I FUCKING LOVE FIREWORKS!!

Man I cannot even express just how much pleasure fireworks have brought me over the years. I don't even really care about fireworks shows. I like stopping at those roadside dealers and just stocking up on a shitload of small explosives. Fuck a big ass colorful show I want to light these things in my backyard. I love to chase friends with sticks of exploding roman candles. I love the sound of a wick fizzing away as you sit and wait for the explosion. Shit even that smell that comes after blowing up some blackcats. For me it’s like waking up the next morning and smelling the scent of a woman's hair still on the pillow. It just brings back a whole flood of beautiful memories that involve fireworks.




Man there are some awesome things you can do with these little Blackcat fireworks. As a young boy one of my favorite past times was to lights these bastards and then toss them to a friend of mine. You see a person's natural reaction will be to catch it. But then in the middle of trying to catch it they realize it’s a firework and they get scared as fuck. I use to do this to my friend Ryan all the fucking time. We'd be hanging out in my room playing video games or something and I would just start throwing fireworks at him. Some people think this is a "fire hazard." I guess it would be if you were fucking stupid about it. All you have to do is hold on to the blackcat just long enough before you throw it; a second or so is usually long enough. Then when you toss it to your friend it will explode in mid air, way before it has the chance of actually hitting something. Also if you have perfected the method you will have the firework actually explode right in their goddamn face. This increases just how fucking funny it is because not only is your friend scared but also now they can't fucking hear for shit. I use to take blackcats to school all the time just so I could throw them at kids. Another fun thing you can do is that when you see someone going into their locker to grab some books or something throw the firecracker at them but make it go inside the locker and explodes. It’s fucking badass. I should mention that girls LOVE it when you do this to them a lot.

Some kids like to throw those little popper things at people. They just make a little bang when they hit something. Those fireworks are for fucking babies. If you’re under the age of five then fuck with that shit but once you're old enough to work a lighter its time to start burning some wicks.


Another one of my favorite fireworks was the Pop Rocket/bottle rocket. Now I'm not talking about those little pansy ones that were like blackcats on a stick. I'm talking about the big motherfuckers that would fly like 300 yards and blow up. These things were fucking great and they were fucking loud as shit. I use to launch these using beer bottles or anything I could find. The advantage of using a bottle was that you could aim it. But the best thing to use is some plumbing pipe. I got this idea one day will trying to figure out how to shoot a pop rocket at my friend. I was in my backyard and found some old plumbing from a sink my dad had fixed. It was in the shape of a J, so it was almost like pretending I had a gun. I'd light the bottle rocket and just point the pipe wherever I wanted to shoot it. Now I know this sounds like an incredibly safe idea but its not. Pop Rockets don't necessarily fly straight so if you try to shoot them parallel to the ground they might actually come down and crash like 5 ft in front of you. So be prepared to run or have a fucking rocket shoot at you. Oh and if you live in Arizona I do not recommend doing this around dry bush. Because what might happen is that the fireworks will fly into a bush and explode. This explosion will set the bush on fire with a quickness and then you have to stomp out the goddamn fire before you burn the whole hillside down. Fire can really ruin your shoes and scare the fuck out of you. Then you're mom will ask you why your pants are all fucked up and you have to come up with a good lie because she won't like it when you tell her you were launching fireworks off the top of shadow mountain.

Another fun thing to do with fireworks is to tie them to animals and see what happens. You see around the age 12 or so me and some friend decided to tie a Big Texas State Pop Rocket to a cat. We didn't really like cats and figured it would be the funniest shit ever. So we got a hold of this cat and tied the pop rocket to its collar. We then lit the shit and watched this cat run for its goddamn life. It was goddamn spectacular. This cat just took off running down the street trying to escape the flaming rocket that was attached to its collar. Then we heard a BOOM! The next day we saw the cat and it was ok well except for a small patch of hair that was missing. Oh and it also seemed to be scared of everything in sight. Now that might sound kind of fucked up but hey we didn't kill the little bastard.

An additional type of firework that I enjoy is the "Artillery Shell." Now these are some serious fireworks. If you can get a hold of these then you are one step away from being a pro. I don't know where the fuck to buy these in the United States but if you go to Mexico you can hook them up. You'll just have to smuggle them into the country. Now my uncle Carlos, he's the youngest of my uncles and he's only like 10 years old than me actually. He isn't that smart but he's cool (sometimes). Anyways he lives in LA and managed to get a hold of some of these artillery shells. They are usually come in the shape of balls and include some type of launch tube to shoot them out of. These are reloadable so it’s almost like a miniature professional set up. I think Blackcat sells a smaller "legal" version of these but the ones my uncle got were fucking big. They were like the size of those little basketballs, like 7 inches in diameter.

Anyways one summer I went to LA to visit family with my mom and my uncle asks me, "hey want to light some fireworks?" and I'm like "hell yeah." So he grabs a bag and we head out into the alley. He breaks out these artillery shells and I almost shit my pants. I'd never seen anything like that. I was so fucking excited to light the fuckers. So we load up the first one and launch it. It was one of the smaller ones, about the size of a softball. It goes up and explodes, leaving this huge red ball in the sky. I was amazed. Then we decided it was time to go for one of the big boys. We figured we had a limited amount of time before someone called the police since this shit isn't really legal in LA. So we break out the big motherfucker and load it up and light the wick. We wait and then nothing happens. I'm like what the fuck. My uncle tells me to check it and I'm thinking, "fuck that." I'm not about to have that big ass thing blow up in my face. After a couple minutes of waiting I kick it over and the shell rolls out. The wick burned like halfway and then went out. I still wanted to light the fucker but the problem is that now the wick is too short to light using the tube. What are we to do? Then I get an idea, we'll light it without the tube. Now I know this sounds like a brilliant idea but you must realize I was only 13 at the time. So we go out into the street and I set the fucking thing in the middle of an intersection. I check for no traffic and then light the wick. Once it catches I just start running because I don't know what the fuck is going to happen. Just as I run out of the intersection I look back and see the shell spinning in the middle of the intersection. Then it just erupts and the whole fucking intersection is filled with this incredible green light of magnificent power. It was one of the most amazing things I'd ever witnessed in my goddamn life.

Another firecracker I love is the M100 and its pretty amazing just how much fun you can have with it. Fuck an M80 or a cherry bomb these things are like a 1/4 stick of dynamite. They are fucking rad. A friend of mine use to get those fuckers from Mexico and we'd blow them up. The first time I ever lit one was when I threw one in a port-a-potty at my high school. We did this around ten o'clock at night because we didn't have shit to do and playing video games at peter piper pizza was not cutting it. So we thought that the M1000 and the gas from all the shit in the port-a-potty would create some magnificent results. I light the fucker, throw it the shitter, and then just took off running. It sounded like a fucking lightening bolt had struck. The shit was so fucking loud I couldn't believe it. We decided to get the fuck out of there real quick. After waiting it out at my friend's house we went back to go see what was up. We drove up and saw some police car there so we got shook and broke the fuck out. I never did find out what happened to that port-a-potty.

Another time I got a hold of a M1000 was this night my friend Felix and I went driving around the city of Tempe launching bottle rockets out of the back of his car. If there is one thing pedestrians do not expect is for bottle rockets to be shot at them from a fucking Buick LeSabre. I would sit in the back of the car lighting these things and holding them out the window until they shot off and flew at some person. We drove around Tempe just looking for victims. One guy was walking and bottle rocket went for his feet at first but then took this incredible turn and went straight at his face. The fucking thing blew up right next to his head. It was AWESOME but boy that guy was fucking pissed off. After doing this for about an hour or so we decided it was time to do something with the M1000. We didn’t know what but then one of us had the great idea to throw it in a mailbox. So we went looking for a USPS mailbox. We found one at some apartment complex. Felix parked his car ready to take off and I approached the mailbox. I lit the wick and then began to walk off all nonchalant like. Then the thing fucking exploded. The mailbox made it sound like 10 times louder and it echoed through out the place. This light a fire under my ass real quick and I just ran for the car and we got the fuck out of there. According to Felix the mailbox actually ballooned up when the M1000 blew up.

So I guess the moral of all of this is that blowing shit up is fucking cool.