So Today I Got A New Job

After quitting my shitty job at Hollywood Video back in June I finally found another job that didn't suck so much ass and was willing to put up with my shit. Well they don't really know about my shit so I'm not sure they are willing to put up with it just yet but we'll cross that bridge together holding hands and skipping into the sunset.

You know that’s what I fucking hate about interviews. It’s a crock of shit. You have to go in there and pretend to be this jolly motherfucker acting like you really want the shitty job. I hate when they ask, “why do you want to work here?” I’d like to tell them “because I’m fucking broke you stupid motherfucker.” But no I can’t say that shit, I have to come up with some dumb ass response and pretend I really like the place. As if it’s been my fucking dream to work there. My goddamn dream is to not work anywhere. I hate having to do the same old song and dance bullshit. Some of them want to know what kind of shit makes a difficult work place for you. As if it’s some real hard question. You know that anyone with half a brain is going to lie to you. Do these people actually expect me to say, “oh I think all the people that step through that door are fucking idiots.” Of course I’m not going to say that shit but its fucking true. Then they always want to ask me if I have any questions for them and I rarely do. I’m not there to complete a fucking survey. I just want a goddamn job you assholes. I don’t give a shit about the history of your business. If I didn’t know anything about your business I wouldn’t have applied there in the first place. It’s such bullshit. I hate having to force people to like me. Just give me a fucking job because I’m the best motherfucker you’ve ever met in your goddamn life not because I tricked you into liking me.

Anyways my new job is working at this locksmith place that doubles as a hardware store so that’s cool. I get to deal with all kind of dumbasses who can't find their keys. What’s nice is that I am surrounded by hammers so all you stupid ass customers out there better watch the fuck out. It’s a small place and I don't have to dress up which is fucking great because buttons fucking suck. I need to invent the Velcro shirt or do they already exist? If so I need one fucking pronto. There needs to be more jobs where you just rock jeans and a t-shirt. I hate shirts with collars and buttons. That shit is too fancy for me. If you ever actually see me wearing a shirt with buttons then chances are I'm drunk or I'm going to get drunk or I was drunk.

To tell you the truth I've sported ties for a night of drinking more than I've worn ties for sober job stuff. I picked up this custom from my friend Walker. You see Walker was a fan of the dress up party. He would organize the parties were you had to get all prettied up and ready to rock. Suits were recommended but even just a shirt and tie would work. The first time he told me about this I wasn't having it and was just like fuck that shit. I'm not wearing a motherfucking tie for no one. But then Walker just said "Dude, just think about it. You'll be drunk in a suit." I thought about it and I realized that it would be fucking awesome. You see the suit makes you feel important and gives your drunken state a sort of regal touch. It’s just so fucking classy. People think you're some ballin ass businessman who just came back from motherfucking Hong Kong and shit. Another bonus is that it's an excuse to tell girls to get all dolled up. Actually that was probably the real reason we did this crap and being drunk in a suit was the true bonus. It was all a scheme to get girls to wear their dresses that made us want to have sex with them. The suits helped us too because then we looked like successful people; not the shitbags that we actually were.

Lately the only times I've busted out with a tie is for karaoke. It maybe an Avril Lange type maneuver but fuck it. That shit makes me look like one sexy bastard. I happened to get a shitload of 70's ties from Stef's father. He never wears them anymore and these things are just too damn gorgeous to go unnoticed so it’s my civic duty to sport them. I don't think I've been doing that enough so I have to step up my suavehouse game. But it’s fucking hard; I can’t just wear a tie for going to the damn grocery store. It’s got to be some sort of special occasion. There are only so many ties and I can’t go wasting them on some bitch at Walgreens who isn’t even going to understand why I’m flossing this incredibly ugly tie. I’m out to impress the hoes with my stunning sense of style.