Turntablism Is Dead

I know there are still lots of fucking scratch nerds out there who refuse to believe it but accept the facts that no one gives a shit about those 90 minute long scratch tapes anymore. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t mean to belittle what these guys do, I like scratching and enjoy seeing a really good dj go at it but the whole turntablism movement is done with. The “movement” did not live up to anyone’s expectations. The only people that still give a shit are scratch nerds or dumb ass ravers who don’t know shit to begin with. Oh and I can’t for get those stupid ass European 4 elements kids who think the streets of Daly City are lined with Vestax gold. And you know what? Fuck those kids. I don’t give a shit if they cry about it but fuck those whiney little shits in the UK who scream the south Bronx but have never actually stepped on American soil. I’ve never been to New York but I don’t pretend to be some fucking b-boy who hung out at Kool Herc's park jams and shit. I’ve seen some of those kids try to argue that b-boying actually originated in Russia. What kind of stupid shit is that? Stop searching for the holy grail of breaking because no one actually gives a shit. You’re a fucking dancer for fuck sake. Some of those kids take that shit way to fucking seriously. Its fucking weird too like kids all the way across the Atlantic seem to care more about the “elements” than people who live where the whole thing started. But whatever that’s their shit and I can’t blame them for embracing it even those I think they need to ease up on that shit.

Anyways back to talking shit about turntablism. The dj’s original purpose was to rock a fucking party, not to give a bunch of nimble fingered dorks hard-ons. I no longer give a fucking shit whether or not a dj can do a fucking flare. It doesn't hurt to be able to scratch but truthfully all I expect from a dj is for them not to play records that fucking suck. To me that is your motherfucking job, to stop shitty music from making its way to my ears. If you can flip shit in a dope and interesting way then that's a bonus but I no longer care about going out to hear the latest in turntablism.

I guess saying turntablism is dead might be a little extreme but there is no denying the fact that the shit has lost its steam. But for you idiots who think I’m saying no one dj’s anymore I guess I should clear it up. Djing is alive and well. Yes there are people who are still doing new and amazing things with turntables and scratch music but the issue is “turntablism” that bullshit title that was tagged on to the subculture within the dj community that was full of kids who love to scratch for hours at a time and fantasized about being yoga frog’s testicle handler. Back in the 90’s everyone thought this shit was going to change the face of music and legitimize the turntable as a musical instrument in the eyes of the traditional music crowd. Shit I’m not going to lie I was one of them. I use sit in my room scratching on my shitty beltdrives hoping that some day I’d make it to an ITF or DMC battle. I was dumb and had hiphop dreams of greatness. What a bunch of fucking crap that was.

Toward the end of the decade it just lost all its steam and took a nosedive. The people who had put all their faith in that shit forgot one thing, crowds want to hear djs not watch them. The only ones that do are those fucking retards that pay for overpriced Skratchcon tickets. Which is a goddamn StarTrek convention for turntablists full of those nerdy bedroom djs who enjoy drooling over djs and over analyze their fucking technique. If it weren’t for skratchcon these kids would be off somewhere debating the authenticity of Captain Picard’s phaser. These are the same kids who masturbate to that URB cover with the Skratch Piklz on it or still have Spin’s list of “the worlds best turntablist” up on their wall. The same kids who have wet dreams about joining the X-men. Their record collections consist of the entire Dirt Style catalog and that’s about it. The average crowd doesn’t even understand much less give a fuck about the technical aspect of djing. They just want to dance and hear some dope music. Staring at a dj perform a bunch of scratch combos for 3 hours is fucking BORING. It sounds cool but watching it gets old real quick. Besides how many fucking times do I need to hear “fresh” “yeah” or “1,2,3 ughh” be manipulated. I’ve heard it enough goddamn times so just stop that shit already.

I remember when Radar debuted his Concerto For Turntable and they hyped it up like it was a monumental moment in music history. This was like March of 2001 and I attended the first concert. This was after I’d pretty much given up paying attention to turntablism. I still went to battles ands stuff but I couldn’t tell you who the fuck the latest ITF champ was or anything like that. The concert was cool and I was impressed by what Radar was trying to accomplish but really no one outside of the whole turntablist/dj scene really gave a shit about what was going on that night. Symphonies were not running out trying to track down a fucking turntablist to join their ensemble. Turntablism has always been a subculture with in a subculture and I don’t think it will ever break out of that. Unless you’re really anal about djing and hiphop in general there isn’t much appeal to find out just what the fuck these guys are doing. Most of the scratch gods have actually gone back to just straight djing parties and they seem to enjoy it. You can’t sit there and do crabs for an hour and expect people to care much less dance to it. It gets mind numbing as shit real fucking quick.

What I'm trying to say is that while people still scratch and dj the so-called movement that was "turntablism" has fizzled out. People who still call themselves "turntablists" are the same ones that throw hissy fits when you don't spell mc with three E's. I hate those motherfuckers. Close your goddamn bullshit hiphop codebook because it’s full of crap anyways. Proper incorrect hiphop spelling is one of the stupidest ideas ever created. It does not fucking validate shit it just makes you sound like a louder hiphop crybaby than you already are you fucking bitch. Also I fucking hate the term turntablist. I think it should be changed to gayablist or better yet “scionist.” Yes, Scionist is the way to go. From this day forth all turntablists shall be known as scionists.

(3.26.06 edit: don't bother posting this on a messageboard you bitches. You should just come to SF and fight me instead.)