This One Time I Hit A Guy With A Car

Today I got home from work and I see this post by AwwwDamn over at soulstrut about how this morning she got hit by a SUV. I guess some dumbass lady was driving around yapping away on her fucking cell phone and decided it would be wise to tap Audrey's knee with her bumper. Now that shit sucks for her and I hope she's ok. Hopefully she can get some funds out of it.

Now her post reminded me of the time I hit Clark Childs with my mom's 1985 Nissan Sentra and I laughed at the memory so I figured I'd post up about it because even though it might suck for Audrey people getting hit by cars is funny. Now I don't mean people getting fucking killed by cars is funny because its not but seeing someone roll over the hood car just makes me laugh. It might not be very "nice" but if I see some kid get tagged by a car I will laugh and then when I'm done I'll go see if they are ok. There is just something hilarious about seeing someone go over the hood of a car and smash into a window. I know I shouldn't laugh but I do, but yeah enough of this disclaimer type shit on with the story.

It was the early August in 1994 and I was at football practice. School hadn't started yet but we had been having practice for a few weeks. I was 15 at the time, a freshmen in highschool. My parents didn't like having to come to school to pick me up after practice so they let me drive instead, not the wisest choice but fuck it. I learned to drive when I was 11 because me dad was tired of moving all our cars around. You see to pay for college my dad fixed cars. He would buy used cars that didn't run, fix them,and then sell them. This resulted in us owning a lot of cars. At 13 my dad was having me drive to autoparts stores for parts and shit so by the time I was 15 they didn't sweat letting me drive. Well besides the cops and shit but fuck those dudes.

Anyways that summer my dad had picked up a used Nissan Sentra for like 200 bucks. The headgasket was blown so we got an imported motor from Japan for 100 bucks and swapped that shit in. 300 bucks later we had a car that ran great. After fixing car's we would hang on to them for a bit before selling them to make sure there weren't any cutesy surprises because my pops was very adamant about not selling a lemon to someone. My mom drove the sentra for a bit until my dad got this Toyota Cressida running. She liked the Cressida more so the Sentra sat and that's when it was decided I would drive it to and from football practice. I wasn't suppose to go anywhere else with it either. I told them I wouldn't. I lied. I started giving rides too all kinds of motherfuckers. Since I was one of the few kids driving I'd pull all kinds of shit in the car just to freak people out. One of my favorite maneuvers was pulling e-brakes. I'd come hauling ass down a street pull the emergency brake as I went into a turn. This would lock the rear wheels as I came sliding around the turn screeching my wheels. I'd release the ebrake before the car could stop and we'd head on our way.

When I first started doing e-brakes I'd just crank the wheel and pull the brake which just caused the car to do a 180 and stop. It was pretty fun but I wanted to do 360's so I'd have to try it at higher speeds and I did. The better I got the more I used it, especially if I had passengers. I'd kick out the rear of the sentra as I made 90 degree turns. Shit I could and still can e-brake into a parking spot. Although one time I did that in my friend's car at McDonald's and right after I get out thinking how awesome I was and how freaked out my friends were I hear this woman yell "HEY YOU BOY!" It's my motherfucking mom in the goddamn drive-thru. She got pissed but it was my friends car and I convinced her that I wasn't the one driving because she couldn't actually see who it was because when we got out of the car she was behind the drive-thu menu. She only saw us walking away from the car.

Ok so yeah I fucked around and drove like a jackass but that's a whole other post for now I'll stick to this shit about hitting a kid with my mom's car.

Well one day after getting out of football practice I was giving a bunch of dudes rides home and I was in a hurry. As I'm heading out of the parking lot this kid Clark Childs walks in front of my car and someone starts talking to him so he stops. He stands there and I wait for a bit but then I say fuck that and decide that yelling at him to get the fuck out of the way would be wise. Now you have to understand that Clark isn't the swiftest kid. He decides to keep standing there just to spite me. I start to honk my horn and tell him to get his bitchass out of the way. He laughs and continues to stand infront of the car. At this point I say fuck this dude, I'm going to make him move. I lean out the window and tell Clark "I'm gonna go and if you don't move I'm going to hit your ass." He says "yeah right" and then I proved that motherfucker wrong. He kept thinking I was just going to scare him. Now I didn't haul ass and tag the motherfucker. I just rolled the car forward and tapped him in the knee. Clark went down like a wet bag of shit. Dude is laying on the ground screaming in pain and I'm in my car yelling "I TOLD YOU TO MOVE MOTHERFUCKER!"

After yelling at him I did get out of the car to see if he was ok. I'm not that much of an asshole that I won't get out of my car to see if you're ok after I hit you on purpose. I only hit him at like 2 mph so it wasn't that fast or anything. I just rolled into him. He was limping for a couple days but it wasn't anything serious. I did apologize and Clark was cool about but to this day I still laugh about the time I hit that fool. I wish could post footage of it happening because the look on Clark's face was priceless. He went from a smirk to screaming like a bitch in a split second but the exact moment he realized he was hit was the best. This look of confusion and pain came over him and it was fucking funny as shit.

So yeah the moral of the story is that when I tell you I'm going to hit you with a car you better listen the fuck up.