My Arch-Nemesis Is A Guy Who Smells Like Pee

(image via mask)

I tend to ride the bus out here in San Francisco because driving isn't worth it. Parking sucks and besides I can usually walk some where faster. This has resulted in me not driving unless I absolutely have to so riding the bus has become part of my daily routine. Since I ride the bus I tend to come across all kinds of random people, tourists, bums, yuppies, lost foreigners, gutter punks, the 5th grade. It's a whole variety and some of these people are annoying but I'm used to it. The legion of 12 year olds yapping away in the back doesn't bother me. Neither does the fucked up bum who is trying to sneak sips of thunderbird as if everyone else didn't knowwhat he was doing. He might smell a little but I can't front on dude for that cause he's fucking homeless but as of late I have come across one bum in particular whose smell I can front on.

That man is Urineman. He's this Asian guy, I think he maybe Vietnamese but I'm not sure. He has glasses and some dingy ass brown cahart jacket that looks like it has spent too many nights in pee soaked alleyways. His hair is unusually spiky for someone of his crustified nature. It seems to stand straight up in the middle while everywhere else it parts along the side and goes down. He's like an Asian version of Kid. Now some people might think I'm just complaining about some homeless guy but you don't understand the power that this man has.

If I see this man anywhere near a bus stop I make a break for it because I know what an unstoppable force he is. I have seen him clear entire buses in a manner of minutes. This isn't just the smelly guy in the seat behind you. You can not escape his stench. He's kind of like Pigpen but with a cloud of pee instead of dirt. Oh and his gaseous cloud is much larger than Pigpen's little dustball. This guy is like the planet Jupiter, he may not even have a solid body but rather he is composed of gaseous material that becomes more compressed the nearer you get to the center of his being.

You can usually spot Urineman around Van Ness and Market but sometimes he will also appear around Lower Haight. I first encountered him on the 49 coming back up Van Ness. The bus was pretty packed to begin with so naturally this was the optimum to strike because the passengers would have nowhere to go. So I'm standing there surrounded by people when this putrid stench seems to just wash over everyone and invades your every being. At first I thought it was the bus itself because they don't necessarily have the most enchanting of fragrances but as the odor increased in strength I became aware that a new force had entered our domain. It was much like what happens when a samurai is surrounded by ninjas and stops as he plots what to do next. Except I had no idea how the fuck to defeat such a foul odor.

As the odor spread people began covering their noses and frantically searching for the source as they fled for the back of the bus. This was one of those long ass buses that are connected by an accordion but even people in the rear half could smell this dude's rank ass stench. As people near the front began to flee the scene I noticed the smell got stronger and I looked over to where it seemed to be coming from and that's when I first saw URINEMAN. He sat there undisturbed as people fled from him and little girls pinched their noses. I stood my ground because I've been to plenty of landfills and I think I can just ignore the smell. I only had about 5 minutes left riding the bus anyways. When it comes to bad smells I tend to think that I can brush that shit off and just man up and tuff that shit out.

I was wrong. Urineman's stench was unrelenting and continued to hammer away at my senses. I could not escape it so I began to look for a way out. I couldn't go further back because the entire bus was behind me. I was apprehensive about moving forward because that meant I'd have to walk right through the heart of the beast and I was not prepared for such a maneuver. But then Urineman made a move instead. He got up and for a split second almost came towards me but then he saw the whole bus cowering in fear of what was about to happen but he never came at us. Instead he turned and walked out the front; much to the relief of the rest of the passengers. I figured the smell would recede after a few moments but it didn't not. I think it actually got stronger. The bus was unbearable and I had to give in. I got off two stops earlier than needed. Even in the absence of Urineman I was unable to withstand his attack, damn you Urineman, damn you.

Since that day I have since run into Urineman a number of times and each time I have either retreated from his onslaught of stink or I have been defeated. This afternoon I was once again faced with battle as he ambushed me by entering the bus from the backdoor so that I could not see his attack. It was like being stabbed in the back as his stench engulfed me. I was trapped with nowhere to run. Some German tourists tried to escape only to find their screams of "backdoor backdoor" unanswered. Some young girls tried to spray him with their Walgreens perfume but it was to no avail as his stench destroyed any other fragrance that attempted to penetrate his realm. Luckily for us he got off around Fillmore, probably to rejuvenate his aura by rolling around in some pee. I didn't last long though as once again I had to get the fuck off the damn bus because I couldn't take the smell anymore.

I pray that you do not ever have to face off with such a formidable opponent as Urineman but in case you ever do my advice to you is to just run for your fucking life because you can not defeat the pee.