I Do Stupid Things

so my friend Audrey started a post about stupid things you do as a kid and that got me thinking about all kinds of dumb shit I've done throughout the years. Probably the most recent one occurred last night.

One of my girlfriend Stef's coworkers organized this karaoke shit that we hit up. I decided to finish off five beers before attending and on the way I picked up a 12 pack of Budweiser. Stef was talking about grabbing a six but fuck that. If I'm going to sing in front of people I want to make sure I'm shitfaced. On the way to the spot I saw this badass fucking car do a u-turn. That shit surprised the hell out of me because I'd been checking that dude's site since way back.

Anyways we get to the spot and everyone is sitting on these sofas singing and shit. That ain't my style and right there I knew I was pretty much going to destroy the place with my delicate style. Stef's coworker, Jonathan, is all trying to get me to man up and I keep telling him to hold on because I've got some beers to pound before I rock this shit. So Stef goes first and does a fucking backstreet boys song. In the mean time I slam some beers and cue up The Scorpion's Rock You Like A Hurricane. I grab a mic and get ready to tear the fucking place down. The song starts and 5 seconds later the whole fucking sound system is shut down. Apparently this soft ass karaoke spot does not let you get loud as fuck on their pussy system. When we got the sound going again it kicked off as soon as I started screaming how I was going to rock you like a hurricane. Jonathan ended up turning my mic level almost all the way down. Which made the mic totally useless and resulted in me yelling at a bunch of people who I'd never met before. I think I made a wonderful impression on them and I'm sure they will be introducing me to their families soon.

The next song I did was Welcome To The Jungle with this guy Josh. I didn't even turn my mic on for that shit. I just started yelling. Yelling is fun and all but it doesn't have the fury of a sound system blasting my voice. As the night went on more people showed up and I finished off our 12 pack. Someone brought fucking tambourines. I don't know what the fuck was up with that shit. It was cute and all but I'm not trying to have a fucking jam session. Anyways drinking those beers hella fast came back to haunt me because all that foam in my gut was trying to get out. I've been having cough lately since I just got done being sick as fuck. Well when I was in the bathroom taking a piss I got a cutesy little coughing fit and that resulted in me throwing up in a urinal. When I came back I was informed that I would be performing a goddamn limp biskit song. Apparently people wanted to hear more yelling but before I did that Stef and me performed Usher's Yeah with her doing all the usher shit while I yelled Yeah and What. Oh and I rapped like half of the ludacris verse before I went reaching for my beer.

ok now for a list of dumb ass shit I've done between the ages of 4 and 25

joust, bicycles and broom sticks

hanging old carpets on clothes lines in this big drying area by some apartments. We played tag on the elevated surface. It hurt when the carpet ripped or a fat kid played.

while fixing a car my dad drained a gas tank. We stored the gas in the shed. A giant rat fell in the bucket of gasoline. My dad told me to throw it way. I lit it on fire. It smelled really really bad

football got stuck in a tree in the yard next to our apartment building. I decided a rock would get it out. My apartment was on the other side. Being the smart 6 year old that I was I figured I'd just throw the rock at a steep angle so it wouldn't hit my building. I could have just throw it from the other direction but that would have required effort. 5 minutes later I had to explain to my parents why we needed a new sliding glass door.

I've tried to build my own parachute many times. Umbrellas and trash bags do not work. I should have chose a better launch pad than the balcony to our apartment.

my parents couldn't afford a slip and slide so I got some duct tape, trash bags, and a garden hose. I got a face full of mud.

Once I saw a snake, I thought it was cool so I picked it up in a trash bag. Later when I went to get it out the snake had gotten out of the bag. That's when I found out it was a rattle snake.

My mom's friend's husband looked like Bill Bixby I was scared to make him mad because I thought that would unleash the wrath of the incredible hulk. We'd be at his house for dinner and I would never speak in fear of making him the slightest bit angry.

around the time I was 5 years old I tied a towel around my neck and jumped face first out of my window. I didn't even bother taking the screen out before I jumped. My mother found me crying outside and asked where I was hurt. As I sobbed I told her "mommy I can't fly."

around the age of 11 we tied a Big Texas State Pop Rocket to this cat's collar. The cat ran really fast and screamed really loud moments later.


in the 7th grade my friend had one of those remote control hovercraft toys. In a plan to make it faster I suggested we load it with more batteries. More electricity means more speed. Or so I thought. The batteries did nothing so to test my theory I attempted to stick some wires in an electrical socket and attach them to the hover craft. I fried the motherfucker and ruined my friends toy.

In the 8th grade my friend Ryan's step dad's brother was under arrest for robbing people's homes. Since he was going to jail he decided to have most of the shit he stole stashed at Ryan's house. We went through it and found all kinds of new toys. One was one of those old manual phones that you'd crank to call people. We discovered that if you cranked it real fast and held the terminals it would shock you. We spent the next 2 hours trying to hold on to the terminal while the other person cranked the lever. It was a competition to see who could withstand being electrocuted the longest.

After seeing Back To The Future I tried to make a skateboard out of an old pallet and some rollerskates. That thing fucking sucked. The board was too thin to stand on and have any stability. The fucking rollerskate wheels were wider than the board.

through out my school years I would bend paper clips into a U shape and then jam them into electrical sockets. I thought I was cute for making sparks fly out of holes in walls.

in the 7th grade me and my friend use to steal packs of gopher gassers from Home Depot. We would light them and then stuff them in our handle bars as we drove around the neighborhood leaving toxic smoke in our path.

around the 6th grade I made a ramp then invited my friends Dwayne and Kerlin to come over so we could jump it on our bikes. The ramp was made from a dead tree my dad made me cut down. I cut it into 4 foot logs and then stacked them to build a 5 foot mound. Then I just leaning a sheet of plywood on it and had a brand new ramp. When we were jumping it I noticed that our heads were getting close to some tree branchs so instead of suggesting we move the ramp since that might be a little dangerous I suggest that we should try to touch the branch with our heads. It then became a competition to see who could tap the branch first. That fucking tree clothslined me off my goddamn bike.

as a kid where I lived in Texas it wouldn't snow but we'd get ice and shit. One year the dirt lot where we played basketball froze over. That was the day I came up with a game called Demolition Derby. We got some boxes from this appliance store and then split into two teams. The game was played like this. You'd place your box at the edge then backed up and you ran and jumped in your box. This would send you flying across the ice/mud lot and then you would crash into your opponent. The winner was the one who didn't cry. The game ended after the first round when I smashed into this Brazilian kid and his tooth went through his lip.

When I was a young boy I got my mom to buy me a jean jacket and then I drew all kinds of stupid shit on the back with some oil pastels. I wrote Hell Raisers on the back and told my friends we were going to start a gang called the Hell Raisers. I think I was around 6 or 7 and had just seen The Warriors. I'd also wear some gloves with the finger tips cut off then I'd pick up a cigarette butt off the ground and then walk around with it in my mouth thinking I was tough.

when I was like 17 my friends and I use to drive across phoenix to go to parties at Arizona State. One Friday night we decide to roll out there with a whole fucking caravan of dudes. I was driving my mom's 4runner and my friends are all downing beers in the back. We get to tempe and someone has to piss so we pull into a parking lot and everyone gets out of the cars and start pissing right there. Like 10 guys just pissing in front for some store. Then we hear the blip of a cop car and everyone is like oh shit and starts running. My friends pile into my truck and we just take off. My friend Randy is running back to his car in midpiss. The cop decides to chase after us.

I take off with my friend Eric following me in his lowered camry. I make a fast u-turn and then turn into some apartment complex just hauling ass jumping over speedbumps. Eric's smashing his fucking frame over them. Sparks are flying and all that shit. Doesn't help that he has a bunch of guys piled up in the back seat weighing his car down. Pisspants Randy keeps going straight and cop chases after him. We pause for a second and then we see another cop make a u-turn heading towards us. I then decide that the best escape route would be to drive through the apartment complex. I tear through some bushes and drive right through the apartment complex, dodging drunk college students and taking out the volleyball court. People are freaking out because they are just trying to party and this truck is blasting by smashing the bushes in front of their apartment and peeling out on their walkways. We pull out of the complex and I drive behind some bowling alley where I hide my truck behind some dumpster. Eric pulls in beside me and we start pulling branches out from under our shit. Everyone gets out of the cars and we walk back up to the main road and then see Randy blasting by. We end up calling him and apparently he drove all over tempe trying to ditch that cop. He drives behind the bowling alley and we still made it to the party.

Almost two years ago after moving into our new apartment I was bored one day and notice the crown molding around the ceiling. For some reason I thought it would hold my weight and I don't know why I did it but I did. I jumped up and hung on it. After the molding ripped out of the wall and I was covered in dust and chunks of drywall I thought "OH FUCK WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO TELL STEF!" I didn't have a fucking job so I had no way to pay to for that shit.

I never told Stef, I just hammered that shit back in place and she's never noticed it.Hopefully she doesn't read this but if she does well I'm sorry I'm shitty boyfriend but it's your fault for loving an idiot like me.