Readymade Isn't Fucking With Beer And Rap
So I a while back I had a post about this idea I had to submit some shit to Readymade based around talking shit to DIYers who suck at DIY. I thought it would be funnier so I cranked it out and emailed it to them about a week ago. I haven't heard anything back so I'm thinking they aren't going to bother with my dumbass. I like Readymade's steez because they got some dope ideas and show how to make cool shit out whatever like building coffee tables out of speaker boxes. As a result of them ignoring my feeble attempt at submitting crap I have decided to post the shit here because I am amused by it so read on if you want to see some swear words.
I make my living fixing the problems of idiots. I’m a locksmith and when morons break shit they call me because being able to get inside of your own house is kind of a good thing. My job primarily consist of working on locks, intercoms, and access systems but I also get called for stuff like installing light fixtures or just some random handyman type of shit which is cool. I like my job but at the same time there is some shit about it that I fucking hate. The main thing that sucks is dealing with people who are stupid as fuck. I swear sometimes I’m surprised that some of these people even know how to squeeze turds out of their own ass.
Shit it’s not like calling any type of service tech out to your place is cheap in any field so you would think more people would actually think before they decide that they need me to show up. Amazingly most of them don’t. I swear I can’t even count the number of times I’ve shown up to a job only to spray some WD40 or turn a screw. You would think these swift bastards would at least try something before they breakout their checkbooks. Fuck one time I showed up at a woman’s house who complained about a loose lock. She said she had tried to tighten it but couldn’t get the screws to turn anymore. Well her swift ass was trying to turn the screws that hold on the cover. Those fucking screws are about 1/8 of inch long. So instead of putting in the effort to remove a cover she called me. Now I don’t expect people to be a locksmith but shit, this is 100 year old technology you’re dealing with. It’s not that fucking complicated to figure out how the fuck a goddamn lock works. They were invented by people who thought light bulbs were the future. You should be able to figure out how the fuck they work just by using one. If that doesn’t work then take the goddamn thing apart, it’s just some goddamn screws you’re going up against.
The worst shit is that I am forced to deal with idiots who don’t want to pay what my time is worth. I run into jackasses who will hover over you watching every little thing and then when they see the bill they get their whine on. “but all you did was tighten some screws” Well guess what dipshit, if it’s so easy why the fuck did you call me? If you can’t afford to think then you damn sure better be able to afford to pay me to fix whatever the fuck stupid ass bullshit you fucked up. I know you fancy bastards like to think that because you saw a couple episodes of extreme home makeover that you are now Norm Abraham but guess what? Your shit ass Olympia toolset can’t hold a fucking socket to Norm’s tool belt. That’s why you stripped all the fucking screws in your lock moron. You’re the idiot who can’t figure out what the fuck a set screw does and then you call me because you ruined those shitty ass replacement knobs you bought in a clearance bin in fucking Chinatown.
The internet does not help me either, because when that bullshit you bought off the internet doesn't install itself you’re fucked and who are you going to call? Me. It sucks because I have to show up to fix what you fucked up because you don’t know how to read instructions and guess what dickhead. Now you’re getting charged a shitload more because now I have to waste time figuring out your dumbass fuck ups. If you had just realized what a fucking idiot you were, just like I did when I met you, then you would have known that you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing and should pay someone who does. But no, you thought you had a brain, way to go idiot. You want some advice? Get smarter before you decide that because you saw a fucking tv show that you are now Bob Vila.
I know that it must be hard on your Home Depot credit card to find out that you suck at using a hammer but that’s life dumbfuck. You will now have to pay someone to complete what ever shitty project you have chosen for your crappy urban renewal apartment. Gentrification comes with a price and rather than think about making a poor person's neighborhood even more out of reach just concern yourself with the fact that you can’t remodel your kitchen in half an hour like the softhands on TLC you stupid bitch. That's what you get for being inspired by a carpenter with a fucking stylist anyways you dumbcocks.
I make my living fixing the problems of idiots. I’m a locksmith and when morons break shit they call me because being able to get inside of your own house is kind of a good thing. My job primarily consist of working on locks, intercoms, and access systems but I also get called for stuff like installing light fixtures or just some random handyman type of shit which is cool. I like my job but at the same time there is some shit about it that I fucking hate. The main thing that sucks is dealing with people who are stupid as fuck. I swear sometimes I’m surprised that some of these people even know how to squeeze turds out of their own ass.
Shit it’s not like calling any type of service tech out to your place is cheap in any field so you would think more people would actually think before they decide that they need me to show up. Amazingly most of them don’t. I swear I can’t even count the number of times I’ve shown up to a job only to spray some WD40 or turn a screw. You would think these swift bastards would at least try something before they breakout their checkbooks. Fuck one time I showed up at a woman’s house who complained about a loose lock. She said she had tried to tighten it but couldn’t get the screws to turn anymore. Well her swift ass was trying to turn the screws that hold on the cover. Those fucking screws are about 1/8 of inch long. So instead of putting in the effort to remove a cover she called me. Now I don’t expect people to be a locksmith but shit, this is 100 year old technology you’re dealing with. It’s not that fucking complicated to figure out how the fuck a goddamn lock works. They were invented by people who thought light bulbs were the future. You should be able to figure out how the fuck they work just by using one. If that doesn’t work then take the goddamn thing apart, it’s just some goddamn screws you’re going up against.
The worst shit is that I am forced to deal with idiots who don’t want to pay what my time is worth. I run into jackasses who will hover over you watching every little thing and then when they see the bill they get their whine on. “but all you did was tighten some screws” Well guess what dipshit, if it’s so easy why the fuck did you call me? If you can’t afford to think then you damn sure better be able to afford to pay me to fix whatever the fuck stupid ass bullshit you fucked up. I know you fancy bastards like to think that because you saw a couple episodes of extreme home makeover that you are now Norm Abraham but guess what? Your shit ass Olympia toolset can’t hold a fucking socket to Norm’s tool belt. That’s why you stripped all the fucking screws in your lock moron. You’re the idiot who can’t figure out what the fuck a set screw does and then you call me because you ruined those shitty ass replacement knobs you bought in a clearance bin in fucking Chinatown.
The internet does not help me either, because when that bullshit you bought off the internet doesn't install itself you’re fucked and who are you going to call? Me. It sucks because I have to show up to fix what you fucked up because you don’t know how to read instructions and guess what dickhead. Now you’re getting charged a shitload more because now I have to waste time figuring out your dumbass fuck ups. If you had just realized what a fucking idiot you were, just like I did when I met you, then you would have known that you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing and should pay someone who does. But no, you thought you had a brain, way to go idiot. You want some advice? Get smarter before you decide that because you saw a fucking tv show that you are now Bob Vila.
I know that it must be hard on your Home Depot credit card to find out that you suck at using a hammer but that’s life dumbfuck. You will now have to pay someone to complete what ever shitty project you have chosen for your crappy urban renewal apartment. Gentrification comes with a price and rather than think about making a poor person's neighborhood even more out of reach just concern yourself with the fact that you can’t remodel your kitchen in half an hour like the softhands on TLC you stupid bitch. That's what you get for being inspired by a carpenter with a fucking stylist anyways you dumbcocks.
posted by SergDun at 25.9.05
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