Douche Is Confusing

When I was a young boy I guess I was kind of weird. For a while I believed that everyone in the world was an alien but me. I thought that I was the only actual human alive and everyone else was some fucked up looking alien with reptilian skin. I thought that they all had sensors so that they would know if I was around and if so they would put on masks. I spent a lot of time trying to sneak up on people in the hopes of catching them without their masks and thus exposing them as the creepy aliens that I knew they were. My mom fucking hated this shit and got more annoyed when I wouldn't tell her why I jumped out of the closet like that. This shit lasted maybe a year or so and I think it all started when I saw some episode of the Twilight Zone where some dude pulled of a mask to show he was an alien. That image just stuck with me and I thought that was some real shit.

Another thing I did and I actually still do this is plan out a course of action for some type of anarchist state where I have to steal cars, kill people and live in abandoned homes for survival. Like I pick out houses in my neighborhood that I think would make good hideouts, what kind of cars I'd jack, where to get food and supplies from and how I'd break in to these places. At this age it doesn't bother me that I do this because it's just something I think about but I don't understand why I was thinking of this shit when I was in kindergarten. Shouldn't I have been thinking about playdo and heman?

Through out my childhood I would see commercials for various products that I didn't understand such as feminine care products, rogaine, other bullshit that had vague commercials because it was for some gross shit like yeast infections. Thing about these commercials is that I thought everyone else knew what the fuck they were talking about so I didn't want to ask what it was for because I didn't want people to think I was stupid because I didn't understand why the fuck some woman was running through a field because she felt "fresh." It pissed me off because I just wanted to know where the fuck she was going.

For a while I had no fucking clue why the fuck people were raising their arms if they were "Sure." You see my dad didn't use deodorant so I never saw that shit around the house or saw anyone actually put it on. I had no idea what the fuck that shit was for and there I am at 7 watching this commercial wondering why the fuck people are raising their hands if they are sure because I thought you only raised your hand if you had a question to ask.

When ever I saw a rogaine commercial I always wanted to call the people at rogaine and just ask them what the hell rogaine was and why the hell didn't they say what it was on TV. All the commercials that I understood/cared about were ones that had kids playing with toys in some crazy elaborate playground that had fucking caves and rivers for their GI Joes. Child actors had fucking tiny sandbags and bushes for their toys. I had Heman toys missing arms fighting GI Joes with no legs in a pile of dirt. Oh how I dreamed of the day that I would have tiny mountains for my Transformers to live inside.

I'm glad I'm not a kid growing up now otherwise I would be confused as fuck by these goddamn Miracle Grow penis pills.