Tall Can Marathon

So check this shit out ladies and gentlemen. This past Sunday I decided to host the first ever Beer And Rap Tall Can Marathon and it was fucking epic. The rules were fairly simple. Drink tall cans and rate them on a 20 point scale. Each contestant could not drink the same beer until they had tried one of every beer. A scorecard had to be filled for every beer. No one was allowed to take their beer into the bathroom. There would be two winners the contestant who drank the most and the highest rated beer. I limited the tall cans to 16oz's because if I thought 24's would be too much to have a marathon. The weaker contestants would crash and burn so with 16 we were able to stretch it out and see who had the endurance to drink. When I thought of this whole marathon shit I figured there was no way this could not be fun.

Saturday I went out in search of as many different 16's as I could find. Contestants were also told to bring beer with them so we could make sure to cover most of the bases. Some folks showed up with 22's and 24's but were accepted because it was too difficult to find some beers in a 16oz. We ended up with Abbot Ale, Squatters, Boddingtons, Tetley's, Wexford, Murphy's Red, Heineken, Becks, Schlitz, Magnum, Rainier, Colt 45, Old English, Steel Reserve (the song), St Ides, High Life, MGD, Budweiser, King Cobra, PBR, Tecate, Sapporo, Guinness, Mickeys and even bitchmade Sparks, which should have been disqualified but I felt generous. As the beers were drank they would be rated by four different categories: Sight, Smell, Taste, and Overall. Can number and Alcohol percentage were to also be recorded. The highest alcohol content belonged to the St Ides at 8.2%, followed by Steel Reserve (8.1%), Olde English (7.5%), and Rainier (7.3%). We started the day with 89 cans. I approximate that counting what contestants brought we probably had about 150 or so tall cans.







As for the contestants this is who they were and their corresponding scorecards which got progressively better with each beer.


Audrey

1. Miller High Life
2. Abbot Ale
3. Heineken
4. Blue Moon (this was a bottle so it doesn't fucking count)
5. Boddingtons


David AKA The Vomitter

1. St Ides
2. Rainier
3. Miller High Life
4. Abbott Ale
5. Budweiser
6. Sapporo
7. Tecate
8. Becks


Diane aka snack eater who takes a nap after 4 cans

1. Rainier
2. Miller High Life
3. Budweiser
4. Boddingtons


Enrique

1. Mickeys
2. Pabst
3. Sapporo
4. Miller High Life
5. I can't read what the fuck he wrote but it's pretty weak if he can't spell after 5 cans.


Kingmost

1. St Ides
2. Tetleys
3. Abbot Ale
4. nothing
5. Guinness


Lydia of (Hater Tuesday)

1. St Ides
2. Colt 45
3. Budweiser
4. Old English
5. Miller High Life
6. Coors
7. Rainer
8. Steel Reserve
9. Schlitz
10. Heiniken



Matthew (matthewafrica)

1. Boddingtons
2. Rainier
3. Magnum
4. Beck's
5. Sparks (like a bitch)
6. Tetleys


Mc Oroville

1. King Cobra
2. St Ides
3. Rainier
4. Schlitz
5. Colt 45
6. Budweiser
7. Sapporo
8. Sapporo (again)
9. no idea
10. no idea
11. Sparks


Mike

1. Pabst Blue Ribbon
2. St Ides
3. Olde English
4. Sapporo
5. Miller High Life
6. Miller High Life
7. Heineken
8. Boddingtons
9. Sparks
10. Schlitz
11. Schlitz
12. Colt 45
13. Schlitz


Rich

1. Squatters
2. Murphy's Red
3. Budweiser
4. Miller High Life
5. Rainier
6. Sapporo
7. Sparks
8. Heineken
9. Tetleys
10. Colt 45


Me

1. Miller High Life
2. Schlitz
3. St Ides
4. Abbot Ale
5. Budweiser
6. Green Pee
7. Murphy's Red
8. Tetley's
9. Murphy's Red


Stef (vinylexchange)

1. Tetley's
2. rainier
3. Boddington's
4. Murphy's Red
5. Beck's
6. Wexford Irish cream



Thuggy (Low Rez Pollution)

1. Miller High Life
2. Olde English
3. No name but it was the worst ever
4. Miller Genuine Draft
5. Piss In Your Mouth
6. Colt 45

some of my favorite quotes from the score cards were:

"Sweet what the fuck? Easy to drink but taste pussy!" -Rich on can 7, sparks

Sight: "It's in a gold can and the can is pretty" - Audrey number 1, High Life

Smell: "like 300 hobos" - Oroville number ?, can?

Smell: "funky, like pussy on a old hoe" - Matthew number 3, Magnum

Sight: "93 Era rap game" - Thuggy number 2, Olde English

Taste: "Smooth But Heavy (Like I Like My Women)" - Diane number 4, Boddingtons

Sight: "has a cool dog w/ a can in it's teeth. Dogs are cool." - Mike number 2, St Ides

How Drunk Are You: "I'd fuck a ugly girl" - Patrick number 6, Guinness

Taste: "This is terrible, god damn, taste like the sweet off the back of cee-lo's neck" - Lydia number 2, Colt 45

Smell: - Audrey number 5, Boddingtons

Taste: "Like a girl peeing on my face" - Oroville number 7, Sapporo

Smell: "16 Hoes all nicknamed bitch" - Lydia number 4, Olde English 800

Overall: "I Have A Feeling that once I finish this I am gonna be shithoused. Mommy???" - Lydia number 4, Olde English 800

For everything: "YEEEE YEEE YEEEE YEEEE YEEEE" - David number 6, Sapporo

Taste: "Like Bull Piss but in a good way" - Oroville number 4, Schlitz

Sight: "Green is pretty Booze is shitty I'm Hammered" - Lydia number 10, Heineken

How Drunk Are You: "I'm Super Gay" Mike number 10, Schlitz


Towards the end of the marathon Mike claimed himself the victor and slapped the crown on his head parading around like some kind of legitimate winner. Mike did not accurately record his road to victory as can be seen by the Tetley's in his hand in the above photo which he never filled out a scorecard for it. While that would give him more of a lead what is being drawn into question are the three Schlitz he has claimed to have drank. Upon further investigation by the Beer And Rap Security Council it was found that only 4 of the 6 schlitz were consumed which means Mike could have only had one of them bringing his claimed total down to 11. Now out of the total 18 high lifes we had only 10 were consumed but not all were accounted for. It is possible that Mike drank it twice but there is a possibility that Oroville or Kingmost drank the high life since both have nameless or unintelligible entries. Considering Kingmoist's softness it's a safe bet that Oroville probably went for the High Life. Regardless of whether or not Mike drank the High Life I think it is in the interest of Beer And Rap to revoke his title as Tall Can Marathon Champion simply because such a respectable title can not be given to such a dubious and suspicious character such as himself.

For a more accurate breakdown of the number of cans counted as drunk please see the graph below.


More questions are arising as I inspect the data of the competition such as the claims that 6 sapporos were drank. I know that six were provided but yet I still have 2 left. Now there is a very likely chance that those other sapporo's were brought by either Thuggy or Oroville but I don't trust either of those grimy bastards. I suspect that they teamed up to supply Oroville with false claims of drinking two Sapporos. There are witness reports that Oroville shotgunned his second King Cobra because he couldn't just have one so that shows you what kind of competitor this MC Oroville happens to be.


This graph isn't an accurate representation of the beers consumed because some of the contestants forgot to fill out score cards for their beers at a certain point, one of which was myself after number nine. For some odd reason this usually occurred once the contestants began on can number 10. I myself am even guilty of this. I don't know how many I actually drank but I saw photo where I was holding a Wexford that never was recorded and I have a vague memory of another beer. But whatever this is all part of the challenge of organizing a tall can marathon.

some of the more amateur contestants (Diane) lost the battle of wits that was properly opening a tall can and ended up drinking out of a glass.




Some contestants resorted to the use of the Shotgun technique to speed things up. I allowed this because unlike beer bongs you are still limited to drinking out of a can rather than using outside equipment to create an unfair advantage.


It was during this shotgun attempt to down a fucking Sparks that Mike the "winner" spilled most of that sissy drink all over my fucking balcony.


Lydia shown here is drinking one of the more racist beers in the competition.


Now for the winning beer of the Tall Can Marathon. After going through the data I decided that a beer had to get more than two votes to be considered and the votes had to be within the 20 point scale range. This eliminates the two highest scoring beers Boddingtons (19) & Becks(19.66) because stupid drunk asses gave both beers scores over 30. Oroville's vote for King Cobra was also not counted because King Cobra does not deserve a score of 90. Tetleys and Sapporo (the Asian contingency were responsible for this) were also discounted for scores over 20 points. The highest scored beer under these guidelines was Abbot Ale (aka The Pope aka The Pedophile) which received an average score of 15.33 making it the winner of the competition.




out the door


me cleaning broken bottles and beer after the shelf in my fridge collapse. Although I think it was from drunk people not knowing how to open the door cause my shelf was fucking fine.


rich on number 9, but don't worry he maintained to drink a Colt 45 after that.


david brought a fucking batman pen


I don't remember why I wanted to put Lydia in a headlock but I did




dueling cans


another picture of Kingmost and Matthew together


mike getting checked for being a bitch


oroville disqualified himself for his love of King Cobra so I wrote loser on his name tag







overall the marathon went well, I do think for the next one I need to have some sort of check in process so that those that do not finish their beers can be rejected and so that I have a better count of what people actually drink. Only one person threw up so that's good, even though he used all my toilet paper to clean it up instead of manning up and just asking for paper towels.

Anyone in San Francisco in need of some malt liquor? Hit me up cause I got a gang of left overs and I'm not trying to be an a colt 45 kick.