beer and rap: Tall Can Marathon 2: Revenge Of The Can

Shit went the fuck down the other weekend, for real as fuck. The whole thing was held at my friend Max's and dude came through with that shit. He's got a huge space that had plenty of room for the mayhem that was Tall Can Marathon 2: Revenge Of The Can. We even had people djing, fucking Matthew Africa, B.Cause, Conceit and myself all got on the turntables. The forms this year were more official with a whole submission process, although a few cheaters were able to squeeze entries through. I had a whole officiating team which consisted of Lydia, Diane and myself, props to the whole team for maintaining the system, at least until the end but fuck it. Diane even showed up with a goddamn karaoke setup for more drunk fun. I don't really remember any of it but Conceit singing fucking nsync songs is pretty awesome and will do wonders for his hardcore rap career.

We had even more cans competing for the title this year. Fuck we managed to get Squatters, Abbot Ale, Heineken, Schlitz, Bass, Pilsner Urquell, Beamish, High Life, Miller Light, Tecate, Olde English, Steel Reserve, Magnum, St Ides, Colt 45, Boddingtons, Youngs Luxury Double Chocolate Stout, Guinness, Kirin, Tetleys, Sapporo, Becks, Budweiser, Murphy’s Stout, Rainer, Pabts, Coors, King Cobra, Belhaven, Coors Light, Strongbow, Morland Old Speckled Hen, Modelo, Budlight, and Mickeys. The Pilsner Urquell was the hardest to find shit, I couldn't believe it when I saw it. Fucking can was embossed too, that's how rare it was. It's like the limited edition streetwear of the tall can game with the fancy appearance going on. All in all there was a total of 35 different types of beers this year. As for a count of how many we actually had, that's tuff to say considering some spectators drank them also but I would say a fair estimate would be between 225-250 cans of beers ranging from 16, 22, and 24 ounces.

Contestants were required to fill out scorecards and then submit the completed scorecard with they empty beer and have a Beer And Rap official either approve or "bitchmade" the submission. In the beginning Lydia and I handled most of the officiating. But as time progressed it was clearly we weren't going to be able to maintain the role for much longer. Fortunately Diane arrived around 4 and she had volunteered to take over the officiating duties.

After tallying up all the submissions and going through the rating it was clear that the worst voted beer of them all was Steel Reserve which came through with an average score of 5, out of 20. The second lowest scoring beer was Young's Double Chocolate Stout with a score of 7, apparently many of the contestants were not fans of chocolate beer and actually resulted in Conceit vomiting. Some beer scores were not counted because not enough scorecards were submitted. We required at least 4 submissions, it's unfortunate because a beer like Beamish which seemed to score very high was short one submission, this was the same problem Guiness had. These issues are due to spectators consuming beers rather than contestants. Next year I will have a spectator only supply of beer so that every beer entered is given a fair shot at the title.

The most consumed beer of all was definitely High Life which came in with a total of 14 submissions and an average score of 12.786, not bad and actually enough to beat out the previous years winning beer, Abbott Ale (11.75). The winning beer this year was actually Boddingtons which finished with an impressive score of 16.5. Followed by Bass at 16 points and then Pilsner Urquell and Tetleys which tied with 15.75 points.
Of all the beers Pilsner Urquell was definitely the rarest, sure in a bottle its common but as a can it was truely the hardest to find. Until the day before the competition I had no idea it existed until I came across it at the 13th and Valencia corner store. The can is even embossed, a true touch of class that many of the other cans were lacking.

The Winning Beer

As for the contestants we had plenty more than the previous year. Many of last years veterans returned to take a shot at the title. Team Gurpo was making a strong representation this year bringing out the veterans and some newcomers to the competition. MC Oroville had his eye on the prize after being disqualified last year due to his love for king cobra. Lydia was original only going to officiate but was swayed into competing. Newcomers this year were Topr, Brandon B, Conceit, Max, Authentico, Uncle Dave, and Alan. There were more but I'm only mentioning the ones that attempted a serious shot at the title.

Topr and Conceit drank the most malt liquor at 5 cans each, which is deserving of recognition in itself. Although we have video footage of these two crying about how King Cobra was not available. Apparently both of these two were too caught up in their own hype that they overlooked the 6 of King Cobra that was on the top shelf of the fridge. Conceit and Topr both had their own plans of attack. Conceit relied on what he calls the burger strategy, light first, fucked up in the middle and light in the end. He puked after can ten, way to execute that plan dumbass.

Topr had a better plan which was to hit the gutter shit first and then coast on the light beers at the end. That kind of backfired when he realized most of the light beers were done with at the end. Although he came through with a total of 12 cans which was impressive as fuck, especially without vomiting. He was actually not even suppose to compete, claiming the roll of Conceit's coach instead. As any wise coach would do, he abandoned that shitty idea. If anyone was going to puke it was Conceit, the man has the stomach of a 2 year old. Topr was able to maintain and tie with Alan for second place. Alan turned out to be one the surprise contenders, I know dude is from chico but damn he crushed 12 cans like a champ. Although he did recieve a bitchmade for submitting an invalid scorecard.

Brandon B turned out to be one of the early leaders in the competition smashing the shit out of cans early on. It was very impressive and definitely deserving recognition but this strategy ultimately backfired when can 11 caught up to him. Sure he spent a long time doing the vomit walk trying to hold off the impending doom but sure enough he was the first to hurl. As a first time competitor he wasn't aware that TCM is more about going the distance than trying to rush your way to the finish. Think tortise because if you roll with the rabbits you're done. Also I think it would be wise to mention that even if he hadn't thrown up his run at the title would have been disqualified because Brandon repeatedly drank the same beer, not once but TWICE! AND both times those submissions were taken by Lydia, his girlfriend.

MC Oroville would fall to a similar fate has he attempted to win a title he felt he was robbed of in the 2006 Tall Can Marathon. Unfortunately for him he did not count on the fact that MC Oroville fucking sucks. Oroville vomited while on working on can ten, a substantial number but hardly a title shot. Ten merely seperates you from the Audrey's of the competition who forfeit the competition on beer three and then try to hide from the bitchmade stamp.

As for the women, Lydia and Stef were the two lead contenders with Lydia submitting a total of 10 cans and Stef at 7 cans. Lydia went on to drink a few more after than but did not submit scorecards for those.

As for myself I also submitted ten cans but later found out via photographic evidence that I drank a strongbow and a boddington. The Strongbow was actually an illegitimate entry into the competition because until I drank one around beer 11 I had no idea that it was not even a beer. I saw the can and grabbed it only to discover it's a fucking hard cider. We let the cider get a pass this year but next year the beer only policy will be strictly enforced. This year I tried to play it a little safer so as to maintain the entire day but after a while that wasn't working and I went on auto pilot. But fuck what do you expect, no breakfast and started drinking at 1pm. It wasn't even worth it for me to drink that many since I'm there simply in an exhibition/official role.

As for the winner of the competition well that went to Max who came in with a total of 13 cans, although I only have his scorecards for 12. we had many witness accounts of number 13 being slammed as he pulled through with an amazing finish in the end to take it over the top and become the 2007 Tall Can Marathon champion. He also won the grand prize which was a bottle of Unibroue's Terrible.

Here is a graph of the total percentage of types of beers that were submitted, for the most part Pilsner take it but Malt Liquor had a strong showing.

As for the number of beers submitted we have this graph which shows High Life clearly taking the lead in that category but I was surprised at the number of people who chose to drink Magnum. It's Miller's malt liquor so I guess of all the brewery's they definitely held the title as for as most beers consumed.

Alan
1. Bellhaven Scottish Draught
2. Bass
3. No Beer Entered
4. Budweiser
5. Pilsner Urquell
6. Becks
7. Schlitz
8. Colt 45
9. Rainer
10. Murphy's Stout
11. Mickey's (24oz)
12.Young's Double Chocolate Stout

Audrey
1. Budweiser
2. Abbott Ale
3. Tecate (24oz)

Authentico
1. Magnum
2. Olde English
3. Tecate
4. Miller High Life
5. Budweiser (24oz)
6. Coors Light
7. King Cobra
8. St Ides
9. Modelo
10. Young's Double Chocolate Stout

Brandon B
1. Budweiser
2. Tetleys
3. Miller Lite
4. Heineken
5. Coors Light
6. Steel Reserve
7. ~~Budweiser~~
8. Tecate
9. Olde English
10. Miller High Life
11. Magnum
12. ~~Steel Reserve~~

Brooks
1. Squatters Golden Ale
2. Bellhaven Scottish Ale
3. Miller Lite
4. Miller High Life
5. Coors Light

Conceit
1. Magnum
2. Miller High Life
3. Steel Reserve
4. Tetleys
5. Colt 45
6. St Ides
7. Miller Lite
8. Schlitz
9. Young's Double Chocolate Stout
10. Boddingtons

David
1. Miller High Life
2. Heineken
3. Bass
4. Tecate
5. Rainier
6. Abbott Ale
7. Pabst Blue Ribbon

Lydia
1. Abbott Ale
2. Murphy's Stout
3. Miller High Life
4. Pilsner Urquell
5. Colt 45
6. Coors
7. Heineken
8. King Cobra
9. Rainier
10. Budweiser

Mammal
1. Budlight
2. Olde English
3. Sapporo

Matthew Africa
1. Squatters Golden Ale
2. Bass
3. Boddington
4. Budweiser
5. Miller High Life
6. Old Speckled Hen
7. Guiness
8. Strongbow

Max
1. Murphy's Stout
2. Strongbow
3. Colt 45
4. Bellhaven Scottish Ale
5. Magnum
6. Young's Double Chocolate Stout
7. Budweiser
8. Schlitz
9. King Cobra
10. Old Speckled Hen
11. Modelo (24oz)
12. Boddington

MC Oroville
1. Magnum
2. Colt 45
3. Olde English
4. Miller High Life
5. Bellhaven Scottish Ale
6. St Ides
7. Rainier
8. Coors Light
9. Sapporo Reserve
10. No Can No Count, worst of all the entries

Novia
1. Pabst Blue Ribbon (24 oz)
2. Tecate
3. Becks
4. Rainier
5. Sapporo
6. Abbott Ale

Rachel
1. Squatters Golden Ale
2. Magnum
3. Rainier
4. Abbott Ale
5. Miller High Life

SergDun
1. Squatters Golden Ale
2. Abbott Ale
3. Heineken
4. Schlitz
5. Bass
6. Pilsner Urquell
7. Beamish
8. Miller High Life
9. Miller Lite
10. Tecate

Stephanie
1. Kirin (24 oz)
2. Tetleys
3. Budweiser
4. Miller Lite
5. Pilsner Urquell
6. Murphy's Stout
7. Heineken

Sweatpants
1. Sapporo Reserve
2. Squatters Golden Ale
3. Magnum
4. Miller High Life
5. Becks
6. Beamish
7. Steel Reserve

Thuggy
1. Olde English
2. Tetleys
3. Heineken
4. Magnum
5. St Ides
6. Miller Lite

Topr
1. Olde English
2. Steel Reserve
3. Magnum
4. St. Ides
5. Colt 45
6. Boddingtons
7. Young's Double Chocolate Stout
8. Abbott Ale
9. Miller High Life?
10. Miller Lite
11. Guiness
12. Kirin

Uncle Dave (seen here trying to smooth over Diane so he can submit the same beer twice)
1. Budlight
2. Olde English
3. Miller High Life
4. Coors Light
5. Magnum
6. Steel Reserve
7. Abbott Ale
8. Young's Double Chocolate Stout
9. ~~Young's Double Chocolate Stout~~

Max on can 10

some contestants cried about no king cobra, those contestants are fucking idiots

I don't remember who was the first to get this sticker but it made some rounds

the stamps, only 20 bucks with shipping!

aftermath

grand prize

food!

approval process

chad, becky, and borg-nine

All in all the competition was a fucking blast and I enjoyed the fuck out of it. Everyone who came through gets props for repping that shit for real. Max gets huge props for letting me come into his home and do my thing. Dude hooked up the location, sound and even food. Fuck, he deserves props for holding it down and still having some of the best looking scorecards in the goddamn competition. Diane came through with the Karaoke set up and held down the officiating, Lydia also held it down on the scorecard tip even though she let her boy slide by on some bullshit entries.

Anyways more photos of the event can be see here, also we got a shitload of video footage and I'm not even finished uploading all of that shit but I will update this shit as I get them online. Here are some anyways, but for more go to the youtube.

a bunch of clips from tall can marathon