How To Be A Myspace Rapper

The new issue of DOWN just dropped, my piece in this issue is about how to be a successful myspace rapper. I thought it would be funny and anyone with a computer has probably been annoyed by then so here you go.

So you’re 14 and bored with your shitty life. Well my young friend what you don’t know is that you are in the prime of you life to take on what could be your greatest endeavor ever. All you need is a dream, a shitty computer and the drive to become the greatest Myspace rapper alive. I have years of experience denying friend requests of idiot teenagers with no talent what so ever so I’m more than qualified to let you in on the secrets of a successful Myspace career.

Now the first thing you will need is obviously a Myspace account. Some of you may have heard of Facebook but Facebook does not offer the limitless abilities to annoy people with shitty web layouts and worthless bulletins. These are absolutely necessary for a victorious Myspace rap career. On Facebook you will never meet as many ugly as fuck fat girls with an endless supply of glittery fairy pictures wishing you a sexy Wednesday. Myspace is crucial to your ability to launch a successful Myspace rap career. The first step of your journey involves deciding what name to go with, the easiest of which is to just slap young/yung in front of your own name. If you don’t like it don’t worry because you will change it every week. Why you ask? Because people can’t delete you if they can’t remember you name! Remember, I’m smart and you’re an idiot Myspace rapper, do as I say.

Now back to the name, this is Myspace you need more than a simple rap name you need to also have useless bullshit added to it so that people think you have something to advertise. Be creative and use as many asterisk, dollar signs, stars, and exclamation points as possible. You can also use statements that show how serious you are about Myspace career. Oh and don’t forget that area codes are perfect for names also. A few examples you could use are “YungDub:[256k + Views] $G.M.B$” or “Corner Boi© Cant Be Stoped No Matta How Much U Try” or “REDD™305/ATL'Z MOST WANTED-I STAY CLEAN”
Once you have settled on a name it’s time to customize you page. Remember that having it look good or making any kind of sense is not important. One suggestion is the wider the page the better. In the world of Myspace rap having a page that loads properly is a fucking crime. You also need lots of played out background images like guns, skulls, pot leaves, dollar signs and bape icons. Also when it comes to font, it is preferable to have the font the same color as the background because you don’t want people to see the words; that would make too much fucking sense. Also remember that videos are your friend, even they are nothing but dumbass bullshit like you are your boy doing shitty dances that you learned from other Myspace rappers.

As for pics, these are wide open but remember a few things: custom images are the best but so are pictures of women you have never met or cars you’re too broke to own are perfect. Also you need to upload lots pics of yourself because you need as many janky as fuck slideshow applications as you can fit on your profile. When taking your picture remember to have enough shirtless pictures to be a starter on Chris Stokes’ team of teenage r&b ass bandits. Do not ever use a real camera; the shittiest camera phone you can find is the only way to do it. Nothing captures the glisten of white-out on shitty bootleg sunglasses like a broke ass hand me down Nokia phone.

Once you’ve completed your homoerotic photo session you will be ready to actually make some music. Now you might be under the impression that the music should be good, that is a fucking lie. Any Myspace rapper worth his friend count doesn’t give a fuck about making quality music. Besides you can’t waste time on quality because you need to make lots of songs so that they will all play at once when people visit your page. Quantity is key kids. That way they will have to listen to at least 30 seconds of them before they can turn them off. When it comes beats remember that you’re a Myspace rapper; you don’t need any original thoughts, much less beats. All you need are instrumentals, off the radio if possible and the shittiest mic you can hook to your garbage ass computer that hopefully doubles as a toaster. Don’t ever make the mistake of wasting your time with mixing down any songs. That shit doesn’t fucking matter and besides it takes time away from doing what matters most in this Myspace game: ADDING FRIENDS AND POSTING BULLETINS.

Bulletins and Add’s are what success in this game is all about. All you need is one song, shit it doesn’t even have to be a song it can just be you talking about how you’re going to take over the game. Fake hype is what the best Myspace careers are built on. When you’re adding friends you need to have priorities, such as never bother with adding people you know. Buffy the Body in your top 8 is a requirement in this game. As with anything, the bigger the ass the more important it is to add that person. It doesn’t matter if that person is just a Russian spam website trying to sell you porn or enzyte dick pills you need that add and probably the enzyte.
I can not stress enough how important bulletins are. Adds are easy because it’s just clicking but bulletins actually require some thought, more than you should even put in your songs. Bulletins work best if the title has nothing to do with the bulletin because only an idiot would tell the reader what was inside. Also consider the fact that no one wants to hear your music anyways. That is why you need titles like “ChEcK OuT tHiS nEw ePisOde oF dA WiRe!!!!” Another key detail is multiple bulletins. Never let more than two minutes go by between bulletins. If you haven’t filled up 6 pages of bulletins then the haters have won.

So in the end what have we learned? Talent is a waste of fucking time. Lying and annoying people you don’t know are what music is really about. Everyone likes ass and sparkly pictures of fairies wishing you a sexy weekend from the ugliest girls on the internet. And no matter what your mother says about your unemployed ass, you will forever be a CEO of a Myspace rap empire that will eternally live on in broken Paypal links to mixtapes you couldn’t afford to make.
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Oh Shit!

Jyeah! I got my copy if the first issue of Down today and what the fuck you know about page 18. It's kind of cute that on very next page is good old Mattsoreal's article about rolling to Amsterdam with Devin. I actually don't even have a copy of the shit I wrote up because my awesome computer decided I don't need files anymore but I'll transcribe that shit at some point and throw it up. But if you see this shit in your area pick it up and write letters about how much you think I suck. The shelf date is August 2nd so cop that shit motherfucker.
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