This One Time I Hit A Guy With A Car

Today I got home from work and I see this post by AwwwDamn over at soulstrut about how this morning she got hit by a SUV. I guess some dumbass lady was driving around yapping away on her fucking cell phone and decided it would be wise to tap Audrey's knee with her bumper. Now that shit sucks for her and I hope she's ok. Hopefully she can get some funds out of it.

Now her post reminded me of the time I hit Clark Childs with my mom's 1985 Nissan Sentra and I laughed at the memory so I figured I'd post up about it because even though it might suck for Audrey people getting hit by cars is funny. Now I don't mean people getting fucking killed by cars is funny because its not but seeing someone roll over the hood car just makes me laugh. It might not be very "nice" but if I see some kid get tagged by a car I will laugh and then when I'm done I'll go see if they are ok. There is just something hilarious about seeing someone go over the hood of a car and smash into a window. I know I shouldn't laugh but I do, but yeah enough of this disclaimer type shit on with the story.

It was the early August in 1994 and I was at football practice. School hadn't started yet but we had been having practice for a few weeks. I was 15 at the time, a freshmen in highschool. My parents didn't like having to come to school to pick me up after practice so they let me drive instead, not the wisest choice but fuck it. I learned to drive when I was 11 because me dad was tired of moving all our cars around. You see to pay for college my dad fixed cars. He would buy used cars that didn't run, fix them,and then sell them. This resulted in us owning a lot of cars. At 13 my dad was having me drive to autoparts stores for parts and shit so by the time I was 15 they didn't sweat letting me drive. Well besides the cops and shit but fuck those dudes.

Anyways that summer my dad had picked up a used Nissan Sentra for like 200 bucks. The headgasket was blown so we got an imported motor from Japan for 100 bucks and swapped that shit in. 300 bucks later we had a car that ran great. After fixing car's we would hang on to them for a bit before selling them to make sure there weren't any cutesy surprises because my pops was very adamant about not selling a lemon to someone. My mom drove the sentra for a bit until my dad got this Toyota Cressida running. She liked the Cressida more so the Sentra sat and that's when it was decided I would drive it to and from football practice. I wasn't suppose to go anywhere else with it either. I told them I wouldn't. I lied. I started giving rides too all kinds of motherfuckers. Since I was one of the few kids driving I'd pull all kinds of shit in the car just to freak people out. One of my favorite maneuvers was pulling e-brakes. I'd come hauling ass down a street pull the emergency brake as I went into a turn. This would lock the rear wheels as I came sliding around the turn screeching my wheels. I'd release the ebrake before the car could stop and we'd head on our way.

When I first started doing e-brakes I'd just crank the wheel and pull the brake which just caused the car to do a 180 and stop. It was pretty fun but I wanted to do 360's so I'd have to try it at higher speeds and I did. The better I got the more I used it, especially if I had passengers. I'd kick out the rear of the sentra as I made 90 degree turns. Shit I could and still can e-brake into a parking spot. Although one time I did that in my friend's car at McDonald's and right after I get out thinking how awesome I was and how freaked out my friends were I hear this woman yell "HEY YOU BOY!" It's my motherfucking mom in the goddamn drive-thru. She got pissed but it was my friends car and I convinced her that I wasn't the one driving because she couldn't actually see who it was because when we got out of the car she was behind the drive-thu menu. She only saw us walking away from the car.

Ok so yeah I fucked around and drove like a jackass but that's a whole other post for now I'll stick to this shit about hitting a kid with my mom's car.

Well one day after getting out of football practice I was giving a bunch of dudes rides home and I was in a hurry. As I'm heading out of the parking lot this kid Clark Childs walks in front of my car and someone starts talking to him so he stops. He stands there and I wait for a bit but then I say fuck that and decide that yelling at him to get the fuck out of the way would be wise. Now you have to understand that Clark isn't the swiftest kid. He decides to keep standing there just to spite me. I start to honk my horn and tell him to get his bitchass out of the way. He laughs and continues to stand infront of the car. At this point I say fuck this dude, I'm going to make him move. I lean out the window and tell Clark "I'm gonna go and if you don't move I'm going to hit your ass." He says "yeah right" and then I proved that motherfucker wrong. He kept thinking I was just going to scare him. Now I didn't haul ass and tag the motherfucker. I just rolled the car forward and tapped him in the knee. Clark went down like a wet bag of shit. Dude is laying on the ground screaming in pain and I'm in my car yelling "I TOLD YOU TO MOVE MOTHERFUCKER!"

After yelling at him I did get out of the car to see if he was ok. I'm not that much of an asshole that I won't get out of my car to see if you're ok after I hit you on purpose. I only hit him at like 2 mph so it wasn't that fast or anything. I just rolled into him. He was limping for a couple days but it wasn't anything serious. I did apologize and Clark was cool about but to this day I still laugh about the time I hit that fool. I wish could post footage of it happening because the look on Clark's face was priceless. He went from a smirk to screaming like a bitch in a split second but the exact moment he realized he was hit was the best. This look of confusion and pain came over him and it was fucking funny as shit.

So yeah the moral of the story is that when I tell you I'm going to hit you with a car you better listen the fuck up.

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Innocence Lost

In the 5th grade I got a dog from some kid who lived up the street from me. He was a little brown mutt who had a special twinkle in his eye. I named him Boomer. Why? Because I was 10 years old that's why. Boomer was my motherfucking homie. My mom wasn't up for having a dog, she thought it would be a burden but since we had just moved into a duplex and for the first time in my life I had a backyard I decided I deserved a dog. My dad and brother agreed and Boomer was allowed to stay with us but it still wasn't smooth sailing or anything after that. My fucking mom pulled quite a bitchmade maneuver and tried to tell us Boomer ran away when in reality she took him to the motherfucking pound. After explaining to her that they were going to kill him if no one picked him up in a week she felt pretty fucking bad and we went and picked him up. My mom still feels bad about that shit and she fucking better. That's my fucking dog right there, you don't drop that motherfucker off at the goddamn pound. She's lucky she's my fucking mom or she'd get delt with.

Anyways Boomer was the downest dog ever, homeboy learned to shit outside with a quickness. I didn't have to pull any punkass maneuvers like shoving his face in poop and slapping him. I just hit him and he figured it out real quick. Boomer was mad chill when it came to meeting folks, the only people he bugged out on were those in uniforms. My little brother took quite a liking to Boomer, at times I thought maybe too much of a liking.

You see around the time my brother was around 6 years old something weird happened. We were playing video games or something and my dad let us have Boomer in the house. My dad was studying at the kitchen table while me and my brother took turns playing Nintendo. I was playing Stryder while my brother played with Boomer. Him and Boomer are wrestling around which was no big deal but then my Brother hugs the shit out of Boomer and proceeds to proclaim his love for my dog.

My brother actually said "Oh Boomer, lets make love." I drop the control because I'm not sure I heard him correctly for a second and I'm pretty fucking creeped out by the idea that my brother wants to have sex with my dog. My dad looks over with this confused look on his face. Apparently the idea of my brother engaging in beastiality seem kind of shocking. My brother was a clueless 6 year old and just continues to play with Boomer without any hesitation or noticing that we're staring at him. Then things get more uncomfortable because my dad notices that I'm a little perplexed by what my brother just said. My dad slowly comes to the realization that I know what "making love" is at the same time that I realize that my dad just figured out that I know about having sex. Then shit just gets hella awkward and embarrassing as fuck. I feel dirty like my dad just caught me jerking off. I quickly grab my controller and attempt to hide my shame in the thinly veiled sense of joy that is brought on by manipulating computerized images on my television.

My father and I have never spoke of that day. I don't think my brother even remembers it at all but that intense moment of incredible awkwardness still haunts me today. The innocence of Boomer was gone. He was no longer a little puppy that posed with flowers. He was now the Boomer that would break out of the backyard to go have sex with every female dog in the goddamn neighborhood. The same dog that would rip the ears off of Rottweilers. The same dog that attempted to have sex with a fucking terrier by kneeling on his back legs only to find out that the dog was too small to successfully insert his little red penis in.

You might be wondering why the fuck I know so much about my dog's sex life but that's because everytime he got out I'd have to go get him. I've actually had to pull my dog off of another dog in mid hump. Boomer didn't seem to have any shame, he was just a horny bastard out to get his. Oh how Boomer's innocence was lost forever, for shame, for shame.
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Superman Was A Lying Son Of A Bitch

When I was about 5 or 6 years old I thought Superman was fucking cool. Well now that I think about it I thought any superhero with a cape as fucking cool. I often wondered how these superhero's got their magnificent powers. Some were from other planets or they were super mutants or they were hit with gamma rays but I didn't know shit about radiation or genetic mutation. To my 5 year old mind all their fantastic powers came from their mighty capes.

Since capes were the true source of power I got to thinking and decided that I needed a cape. I asked my mom to buy me a cape. She said to use a towel and a saftey pin. That was the greatest idea my mother ever had in her entire life. I could not believe I hadn't thought of it first. I could take an ordinary towel and create my incredible cape of POWER!!! I rushed off to find a towel and a pin.

As soon as I had the towel around my neck I could feel its power inside my soul. I felt a rush come over me that can only be described as SUPER INCREDIBLE POWERS OF JUSTICE. I had to do something. I didn't know what but something because the power within me was just too much to bare any longer. Then it hit me like fist full of Incredible Hulk. I had to FLY!

I went to my room and opened the window. My window had a screen that I couldn't get out and after a few minutes of struggling with it I decided that it had to be sacrificed. After all once my mother saw me flying she would forget about the broken window screen. So I put on my shoes, to make sure I could reach full speed. Then I opened my bedroom door and the door to the bathroom that was across the hall. I went into the bathroom and prepared myself for flight. I tightened my shoe laces and got down into a runner's stance. I took a few breaths and then made a break for it. With all my energy I could muster I ran out of the bathroom, across the hall and through my room at break neck speed. As I approached the window I raised my arms for flight and I leaped up in the air and I was off into the unknown.

I flew through the window screen and crashed headfirst into the ground on the otherside.

Moments later my mother heard me weeping outside. She ran to my aid and asked me where I was hurt; through my tears I told her "I can't fly." It was a harsh day for a young Sergio. I could not believe that even with my magnificent cape I could not actually fly. My world was forever destroyed. If you have dreams forget about them now because even with the most majestic of capes made from towels you will never make them reality so just give it up. Dreams are for aliens.

Superheroes are a bunch of lying assholes. They make you believe that things can be great but then you find out you can't shoot lasers out of your eyes. You never will have super human strength or be able to stop a train with your penis or whatever the fuck those flying bitchmade motherfuckers do. What a bunch of fucking dicks.


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CHOO CHOO!!!

Yeah some people might think this story is crude and not very friendly to women but I think it’s cute so fuck it.

Ok so a few years back when I was still living in Phoenix my friend David called me one afternoon all and we had this little exchange of words:
"Hello?"
“GUESS WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT!!”
“Um, what?”
“CHOOOO CHOOOO!!!”
“What the fuck is that?”
“ME AND PRD RAN A TRAIN ON THIS SLUT!”

I guess I should clarify who the players are in this little story. The story begins with David and PRD meeting up with some girls who were down for sexing. PRD is called PRD because his name is also David but in our circle of friends we had know David #1 longer so David #2 was given the name PRD which stood for Punk Rock David. You see how that works? Now I have asked David to write out his version of the story so that I could post it here. I’ve edited it up and broken up some portions to explain things. After David’s portion I will mention how the Eiffel Tower made some girl hate me. Okay so on with David's story.

So the night started out with PRD calling a few of us over to his place because he said he had some dirty hookers that need to get fucked. So we all rolled over there and there are some girls there as expected. One of them happened to be his neighbor. She was super underage. I think she was like 15. The other girl claimed to be 19 so that was cool with me. Unfortunately the "older" one was ugly as fuck and a little on the "husky" side. She was one of those fat skinny girls with a little frame and a slightly protruding belly.

Anyways both girls are all over PRD. We eventually break out the markers and proceed to start drawing all over both sluts. Then I said, "hey, why the fuck not?" and bust out my flaccid dick and write, "Fun stick" on it or something. Then I tell the "older" bitch to put it in her mouth cause the good looking one was pretending to be "shy". She plays it off like she wasn't a whore and just holds it for a minute while I get a few pictures. Eventually we get her to strip citing the fact that we want to get pictures of our drawings on their tits. Then we get her to pose with one of my swords on her twat.

The reason they wrote of those girls was because David and PRD both happen to be graff artists and they have this habit of drawing on loose women. I believe this trend of their's started when our friend Gnes decided to draw on a Cambodian refugee's vagina. Also you might be wondering why David has swords so I should probably tell you. You see after an evening of drinking a while back I showed David this site and he was so amazed that you could buy a sword at such affordable prices that he purchased one right there. He couldn’t really afford the sword but that night the beer was doing most of the thinking for him

The night rolls on and she is all over PRD. So everyone left while he worked some of his magic. Then a little later I stumble back to find the lights out and shit happening in the bed. I then take over with this hooker. PRD leaves for about 5 minutes. Then in walks another friend of ours, Keith. He plays it pimp while I'm fingering this whore and then Keith just shoves his cock in her mouth. So I'm fingering her and she's sucking his cock. Not even 2 minutes goes by before Keith nuts and is out. He straight up fucking left and went home. It was fucking hilarious. After that she then goes and rinses her mouth out.

Once she returns from the bathroom PRD rolls back in the room and straps into her. He starts hitting it from behind on his bed. So then I strip and she knew what to do. PRD is beating the shit out of her nappy bacon claw like no tomorrow. All you can hear is the sound of my cock piercing rattling her teeth and what seems to be the sounds of a boot stuck in a deep mud puddle and some ass spanking. PRD keeps laughing his ass off because he's flexing his biceps like he just won some heavy weight bout or something and spanking that bitch’s ass. After a few hard spanks she pulls my dick out her mouth and says the most scion dirty talk I've ever heard. Something about whips and chains. None of which we had. So I didn't get it. I just took it as a whore trying to get into her own self.

We just abuse this bitch a few more times with some slaps and laugh about it and give each other a double high five for abusing this bitch proper creating the profile of an Eiffel Tower. So after about 20mins PRD blows nut and he gets up and leaves. Assuming that I was a dirty man-whore as well (I was still a vaginal virgin at this time), she rolls over and spreads her legs and says, "You got next!?!” I looked down at her tore up pussy that could have been used for a ventriloquist act and said, "hell no!" Instead I pull her mouth on me again. A couple minutes go by and the neighbor girl returns from wherever to find her friend giving me head. She gets all upset and tells her friend to leave with her like a true cockblock. I got up and shoved that bitch straight out of the door again and locked it while yelling, "she isn't done yet!!" At this time I realized it’s getting late seeing that the sun is up now so I decided to finish up and laugh about it later.

Ok now the bit about the Eiffel Tower formation is the part of the story that actually relates to me in some way. Well besides the fact that David and PRD are friends of mine and I think David's story is funny as fuck. So yeah I guess I’ll tell my side of this little chain of events. This shit turned into a cute little inside joke. You see after hearing about this story people in our circle of friends decided that we needed to form “Team Hi-Five” and make stickers that showed two guys hi-fiving each other while some poor girl was caught in the middle. Now David never mentioned Team Hi-Five to me when he told me the story the first time. Where I came to learn of Team Hi-Five was from my friend Porter who I guess had been told of the idea from David and PRD. So one evening Porter, Dustin, and I were going to the bar and on the way down he was talking about how this whole running of the train shit was great and that team hi-five was a brilliant idea. He kept telling us how we needed to start a crew that just went out looking for girls to run gangbangs on.

Once we got to the bar and bought a couple pitchers Porter got to scouting some girl to join Team Hi-Five. Him and Dustin were pretty set on making something happen that night. I was more concerned with beer but I was amused by their attempts. We discussed how best it would be too approach a girl about having a gangbang. You see this is a delicate matter you just can’t go in there and say “hey you want to fuck me and my friends?” Negotiating an orgy takes a certain amount of finesse so you have to be very careful in your choice of words. While we were discussing how Porter and Dustin should best approach a certain female I told Porter to ask the lady if she had ever been to Paris. Now assuming she would say no I told him that his response should be “well would you like to see the Eiffel Tower?” She may say yes but how you plan to take her to Paris may be her next question. Here is where you just give her very vague answers and simply tell her that you cannot tell her how but instead you must SHOW her how. We thought this plan was ingenious and could not fail so Porter put on his game face and approached a young lady who looked to be quite friendly when it came to her fun parts.

She had been eyeing him so it looked like the probability for success was very high but we did not count on her being so fucking stubborn/stupid. Her dumbass cockblocking friend did not help our situation but Porter being the gentleman that he is persisted. Dustin also joined in and tried to convince the girl that Paris was the place to be.

Now at first I found this whole matter very amusing and I laughed repeatedly as I emptied a few pitchers. But after a while I was getting tired of the whole mess because it seemed as if it was going nowhere. The girl was too stupid to figure out what the Eiffel Tower and Team Hi-Five actually stood for no matter how many innuendos were made.

This is the point at which I decided to work some of my own magical charm. As Porter was whispering sweet nothings in her ear I interrupted and said to the girl, “Look my friends just want to know if you’re a fucking whore.” Now I don’t know about you but it has been my experience that most females do not particularly like it when you call them “whores.” So as I’m sure you can assume this young lady was pretty damn ecstatic when I referred to her as “a fucking whore.”

My suaveness pretty much destroyed our chances of having any sort of Hi-five related gangbangs. But do not lose faith because this girl was so enamored with Porter that after about 30 minutes or so of glaring at me from across the bar she proceeded to approach Porter once again. Nothing came about that evening but later on we left the bar and went to a house party that this young lady just happened to be at. But at this point she was quite a bit more intoxicated and as I came to find out she was pretty mad at me. This resulted in her yelling at me a few times as I drank my cheap keg beer and laughed. Shortly after we were asked to leave the residence.
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Smoking a bowl with Quentin Tarantino

So now Quentin Tarantino has a fucking blog. I don't know whether or not to believe it's actually him but there is some cool shit on there, like some post where he goes off on some mom and calls her kid a dumbass. The blog does seem as though its genuine but I guess he has some people who work on it too or whatever. But whatever, the point of this post is that it reminded me of this time I actually smoked a bowl with him in Austin, Texas.

It was the spring of 1999, I think it was spring. I was at the University Of Texas and it was a Saturday night, I was sitting around bored and my friend JT came over too see what was popping tonight. Shit was dead for some reason and we couldn't find a cool place to drink with our under 21 asses. So JT tells me he has some passes to this film festival thing at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema that was showing Tarantino's favorite movies. We didn't have shit else to do so I said alright lets hit it up.

Turns out this thing was going on the whole weekend, like all night and day. Tarantino was there hosting the event and they played all these movies he had picked out. Some people actually brought sleeping bags determined to make it through the whole event. Before each movie Tarantino usually went up on stage and talked about why he liked this certain movie. Dude likes to talk and usually had something amusing to say so it was entertaining.

That Saturday night was the "exploitation" part of the whole thing. The movies he played that night were Coonskin, Alligator, Death Collector, Nashville Girl, Little Cigars, and a surprise wake-up movie. When we got there Coonskin was about half way through, the seats were full so we ended up sitting in the aisle which kind of sucked but whatever. Between movies they had little intermissions, at the time I was underaged so we couldn't get beer. JT had some weed on him and I said fuck it, so we went into the alley and smoked. I usually don't like smoking weed because I think its boring but without any beer I had to resort to something. Anyways after that we came back in and saw Alligator which starred Robert Foster, most of you probably remember him in Jackie Brown as the bailbondsman. Death Collector is a low budget mafia film starring Joe Pesci as the death collector who likes to beat the shit out of people. Nashville Girl was about this young girl who dreamed of becoming a country music star and was fucking her way to the top. Little Cigars was about this gangster movie about a mob of midgets out to get theirs. We left after Nashville Girl even though I really wanted to see Little Cigars I just couldn't stay awake much longer, the weed was making me sleepy.

Once Nashville Girl ended we headed towards the lobby of the theater where we saw Quentin Tarantino. JT asked me if I didn't mind sticking around because he wanted to say hi to him and I was like go the fuck head. Well JT walks up and then turns around, I'm thinking what the fuck is he scared or some shit. JT comes back and asks me if we should see if he wants to smoke a bowl. I'm thinking shit why not, all he can say is no. So now I go over with him because I just have too see what he says. JT says hello to Tarantino and mentions how he really likes his work. Quentin is pretty cordial and says thank you and its nice to meet you guys and he shakes our hands. JT then tells him how we are about to head out but before we do we'd like to know if he would be interested in smoking a bowl with us. Quentin kind of thought about it for a second and then said "you know that sounds like a good idea." So we walk outside and figure shit this is as good a spot as any and JT breaks out his pipe. Quentin has some dude with him who seems to be his yes man or something. I don't know who he is but the guy just seems to agree with everything he's saying. Quentin talks about meeting some woman early and how he felt strange telling her it was a pleasure to meet her when in reality it is her pleasure to meet him. I pass Quentin the pipe and he chokes on it a little and complements JT on his pipe "that hits like a motherfucker."

We pass the pipe around until it's dead and say our good byes. Quentin goes back inside while JT and I kind of star at each other thinking "did that really just happen?" Then some girl runs up to us all excited as fuck screaming, "OH MY GOD YOU GUYS ARE SO FUCKING COOL! You just smoked with Quentin Tarantino, that is so awesome! You guys are so cool" I told her "yeah I know." It was weird because that girl kept trying to talk to us but only because we just shared a pipe with Quentin. What kind of half ass groupie are you, I bet she would have had sex with the pipe if we let her. But anyways after that me and JT started our long walk through downtown Austin stoned and tired as fuck but yet pretty fucking stoked on what just happened.

That was my first run in with a "star" I would say he is probably the most famous person I ever met.
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Setting things on fire and other cool stuff

Time for some destruction. It is not my fault if you are dumb and hurt yourself. These are things that I learned to do as a child or teenager and I’m still alive so you should be fine as long as you’re not an idiot.

Homemade Rockets/shitty pipe bomb:

When I was a young boy I had always wanted to make a bomb so one day while staring at some firecrackers I decided to take a shitload of them and make some kind of uber firecracker using the parts of lesser firecrackers. I emptied out a bunch of them into a piece of PVC pipe, capped one end, stuck a wick in there, since I didn't have another cap I just duct taped it, thinking it would hold enough to cause it to blow up. Then I taped it to my doghouse, lit it and then watched a homemade rocket fly off in every possible direction

The Lesson: use caps on both ends cause duct tape don't work for shit when making homemade bombs.

Smoke Bombs:

You can also make badass smoke bombs with some chlorine tablets, a coffee can, and some motor oil. Fill the can half way with oil, break up the tablet and pour it in, then using some wadded up newspaper light it on fire. It's like a house fire in a can.
For cheap affordable smoke bombs you can use Gopher Gassers but they don’t last as long and the smoke isn’t as thick, but its toxic and toxic = fun! One thing I learned with Gopher Gassers is that you can stick them in the handlebars of your bike and ride around leaving smoke everywhere. Oh and a young boy can also fit packs of these in his shorts and steal them from Home Depot with the greatest of ease.


Smoke Screen:

Ok here is some history on the smoke screen set up, in the 9th grade I met this kid, Eric Teddums. I was off doing engine swaps and this kid was trying to install a fuel injection system on his lawnmower. It never worked and was probably one of the dumbest ideas he ever had. His pops had some German auto repair shop in Phoenix and I built Toyotas all day with my pops so we got a long pretty well. Fast forward a couple years and we both had our own cars, but it was ideas like that fuel injected lawnmower or my making my go cart faster that eventually led to amazing things like installing smoke screen on his Mercedes Turbo Diesel and later this car would have a flaming hood ornament. Teddums was one cool fucking kid. I don’t know what ever became of him but last time I talked to him he was trying to get me to go to California with him to meet some dude who was installing v8’s on motorcycles.

Now you can make a smoke screen setup for your car by modifying the windshield cleaner reservoir and using a solution of automatic transmission fluid and carburetor cleaner. Works fucking great too, even at idle and on freeways. Basically you take some hard line brake piping, buy any size at NAPA or any local autoparts store. Run it off your windshield cleaner reservoir, your going to need a hose and some clamps here for the connection, and then tap it in to your exhaust manifold. It is best to do this past your O2 (oxygen) sensor so that you don't fuck it up, but you don't want it to far otherwise the manifold or pipe (depending on where your o2 is) won't get hot enough to burn the solution. Your car must reach operating temperature for the shit to work. If you’re concerned about ruining your catalytic converter, don't sweat it; the shit won't phase it as long as you use it in moderation. Now for the solution basically mix it to your liking, more carb cleaner for a whiter smoke, and more oil for a blacker smoke. But keep in mind that the more oil you use the hard to burn the solution is. Carb cleaner is way more flammable than oil, just hold a lighter next to the nozzle as you spray and you'll see what I mean. And when I mean smoke screen I'm not fucking around, this shit works badass, you can fill a four lane boulevard with this shit. It works like a champ on the freeway too because it’s thick as fuck so if anyone is behind you they don't stand a chance .
Now if your a pansy and are afraid of getting busted by the police, just tell them you don't know what they are talking about and your car is busted. If they ask to look under the hood, tell them no problem, because when they do they won't see shit, the hard line that feeds the mixture will look like a regular old brake line, very stealth mode and since it works on the windshield wiper reservoir they won't see a switch for it at all. It’s fucking genius. Which is what makes this so great for you daily commuters who are sick and tired of people honking at you. Next time it happens just give them a shot and wah-laa, no one is behind you anymore or at least a mile.
Teddums and me use to drive around Phoenix cutting people off just looking for an excuse to spray them. They would get pissed and honk at us and then we'd cover them in soot. It was fucking funny as hell.

Can Of Fire:

Ok now for the poor man’s homemade blowtorch/flame thrower. My friend Abe (same guy I use to steal gopher gassers with) and I came up with stupid idea one day after stealing some cans of paint from our local Home Depot. I don’t know who decided it would be cool to light on fire but I remember thinking this might be a bad idea but then I thought this might be a fucking awesome idea and went with the awesomeness. We did this at Larkspur Elementary School in North Phoenix where we almost set the damn school on fire because the flame was way bigger than we thought it would be. Anyways enough of that, here’s how to make your own low budget flame thrower.

You take a can of spray paint, hairspray, carb cleaner, wd40, or any type of flammable aerosol can (spray paint and carb cleaner seem to work the best). Tape the top down, with either duct tape or bandage tape (like for gauze pads and shit). Don’t use that weak ass scotch tape or masking tape, it won't hold up when massive flames start shooting out. Make sure you use enough tape to hold the tip down so that it is constantly spraying, then you just take a lighter and light the contents of the can, this will cause a flam to spray forth, (this is pretty cool on its own but its not a big enough flame for a flamethrower). So now you stand back and wait for the flame to burn through the tip. Once it does this an 8 foot flame will shoot straight out of the top of the can. Make sure you do this in an open area cause you don't want to burn your house down that would be bad. If you got oven mitts or some thickass gloves go ahead and pick up the can and chase your friends with it, its fucking funny as hell cause no one fucks with someone holding on to an 8 foot tower of fire, they just run like a bunch of sissies.

Ok this is not really "safe" so be prepared, cause there is a possibility that rather than a flame shooting out of the can the flame will just go inside and explode, which is still pretty cool. But most people would consider an explosion as a “bad” thing. So you just have to stand back and wait, either you'll get a bomb or a blowtorch, I'm happy with either result so you should be too.

The Flaming Hood Ornament:

Ok now if you have a car with a hood ornament well then this is perfect for you, or you can just go buy one and slap it on, hell you don't even need one, you could just make fire shoot out of a hole in your hood, this would kickass also.

Anyways what you will need are:
Hose or piping if you want to be fancy about it (you want the hose to be pretty skinny too)
Can of propane (like for small propane torches, sold at your local hardware store)
Release valve
Bbq grill igniter
Wire

Now depending on how much piping you have you can place the propane bottle wherever you want, for our application it was next to the drivers seat. Then you screw the valve on to the bottle (make sure its closed cause if not your dumbass will fill the car with gas, and this can blow you up). Then you run the hose from the bottle out to the hood, just run it threw the hole for the engine harness in the firewall, that way you don't have to cut a hole in your car to get the hose into the engine bay. Don't be a fucking idiot and run it out a window or through the door, that just looks like shit. Ok now you just run the hose right buy your ornament. You will have to drill a small hole in the hood to get the hose to come up from out underneath attach it to the ornament and position it how ever you want the flame to disperse. Here you will need to connect the hose to some thin tubing with holes in it because the hose will melt when flames are coming out. You’ll need it long enough so that the hose doesn’t melt, about6-10 inches is cool. Then you take the BBQ igniter and attach some wire to it, you run the wire outside to the ornament, use the same routing as for the hose, makes it easier. Then you position it so that it will ground it self to the ornament, but make sure the spark jumps in front of the gas, other wise you get no fire. Now your want some pretty rigid wire so that it will hold its shape, and that’s it folks.

You just open the valve and hit the igniter and bladow, fire is shooting from your hood, more you open the valve the bigger the flame. Now this is great for parking lots with lots of people because you can turn it on and just walk away and watch as people start running to your car because well there is fire shooting out of the hood, you can also drive with it, but not to fast cause the wind will put out the flame.

If you prefer you can make a ring of fire, this is great for you Mercedes Benz drivers.

For the ring of fire you will need some piping, thin copper piping will work for this, you connect the hose to one end of the ring, close the other end with a cap of some sort, or just pinch it shut and bent it, then you take a drill and drill small holes in the ring, mount it to the back of your emblem, emblem being a Mercedes one, then place the igniter wire in front of one hole and there you go...this is good for plastic ornaments because the ring will help keep the ornament from melting. That is unless you leave the fire going for hours on end, then your shit will melt for sure. You will also have to clean your hood and ornament because they will develop soot but its not a big deal and worth the sacrifice for a flaming hood ornament.

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Flying Hamburgers

It was the end of spring of my freshmen year, I was living in a dorm at the University of Texas where I spent more time drinking than studying. This was not good because it eventually lead to me leaving the university but for what it's worth at least I got some funny stories out of my time there.
Our dorm use to have these stupid picnics and shit. I was in an all male dorm so they'd invite girls from some other dorm over for this picnic and shit, my friends and I never bothered attending these lame ass get togethers. But one Saturday we were all pretty hung over and went out there for the free hamburgers they were serving. I don't remember who's idea it was but someone decided we should steal the hamburger patties and keep them in my dorm room. I figured I could always use a big box of meat so I agreed to keep them. We grabbed the box of 200 hamburger patties and jetted.
Now for the next couple of weeks we would cook this shit up when ever we were hungry and drunk. This meant starting fires at 4 in the morning in front of the dorm. Since we were drunk most of the time we didn't really think that a fire would be hard to start when it had just finished raining. Most of the fuel for our late night bbq sessions consisted of waded up editions of the Daily Texan(UT's school paper). As I'm sure you could imagine, this made for some kickass food.
After a few months of this I got tired of having all this meat in my minifridge, we had eaten a significant amount but shit just too much. One night after drinking more than my fair share of beer I decided that all these hamburger patties could be put to better use so I decided to throw them out the window of my dorm room. My roommate, Tommy, found this to be pretty hilarious so he took some pictures of me chucking these meat frisbees out of our window. I wish I could see those pictures because it was a pretty champ moment. Now directly underneath our window was the dorm parking lot which happened to be full of cars. I threw all this meat all over the cars in the lot and then I passed out.
The following morning I got up and drove an hour to college station, my dad owned a house there and I had to go cut down some dead trees for a tenant he had. As I walked into the lot I noticed just how wide spread the damage from the flying meat was and that every car in the lot had been struck with that shit except for mine. It was early and I don't think anyone suspected what the fuck went down so I jetted to take care of my shit. When I came back hours later most of the meat was still every where. But what made shit awesome was that in the Texas heat some of the meat had actually begun to cook. This made for some beautiful displays of flesh and grease. To make things worse all this partially cooked meat began to attract all kinds of wonderful Texas birds. These beautiful birds also brought a ton of bird shit with them and proceeded to take dumps all over the students cars.
From our dorm room we watched and laughed as our fellow students tried to wash the bird poo and grease from the hoods of their cars. It was good times.

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Remember Project Graduation? That crap party your high school would host so kids didn't go out and drink themselves to death. Who ever put that shit together at my school ended up booking Phoenix Live, this spot in downtown Phoenix with that was a restaurant, bar and club. They set up games and raffle prizes, it was pretty stupid. I had no intention of going to this thing until everyone I knew was going and then I was screwed because I didn't want to sit at home with my fucking parents. So I decided to go.
As soon as the graduation ceremony shit ended I jetted home to meet up with my friend Tim. We figured we had a couple of hours to get some beer and drink it as fast as we could before we caught the last bus to project graduation. So we were just rushing, shit I don't even remember if we got alcohol that night, I think so. Oh well, turns out everyone else was attempting to pull the same maneuver and the last bus to this shit was packed. There were drunk girls in the parking lot mooning fools and yelling. After seeing that I thought ok maybe this won't be as lame as I thought. On the way there we're all in the back of the bus fools are smoking and shit, the chaperone was some kid's mom and I think she was pissed but no one really gave a fuck. We get to the spot and then I find some other friends of mine, turns out they snuck in some liquor. Boy was I thankful for that, I started loading up on the gin. Once I got a little inebriated everything seemed more fun.
At some point they gathered everyone into one room and announce that a hypnotist will be performing some amazing tricks. I had never been hypnotized but I've always wanted to be so when they started picking fools I began to yell, "PICK ME DAMN IT!" and I got picked. So this guy goes into his shit and starts trying to put like 10 of us under hypnosis. Now I can't really say it didn't work because I think it did, but the only reason it worked was because I wanted it to. Oh being drunk may have helped a little. It was still fucking cool though.
Part of the routine was that we thought we were Elvis Presley so we would all do the stupid Elvis dance. Oh yeah I was wearing some shitty sun glasses, they were real big and square like the kind grandma's wear. So with the glasses and the dance I looked extra stupid. The next part of the act was that the guy told us that we were all 3rd graders and we would act like little kids. He says this and some kids start fidgeting, another guy picks his nose. What did I do? As soon as the hypnotist turned his back to us I swing around and punched the guy next to me straight in his chest, knocking him out of his chair. The hypnotist spins around like what the fuck did you do, and I just point to another kid and say, "it was him." People laughed so the guy figured it was ok to go on with the act.
The last part of the act was this chain reaction thing where he would say one thing and then one person would do something and which would make the person next to them do something and so on. I was the last person and my part in the whole thing was that I would shout, "I have to pee." So the guy sets it off and it goes as planned, he does it a second time and once I again I yell, "I have to pee." What no one knew was that I really had to pee, all the alcohol I had slammed down was trying to come out. The third time he did it I just couldn't take it anymore and when it was my turn I yelled, "I HAVE TO FUCKING PISS!!" and then I ran to the bathroom.
Being hypnotized was the highlight of project graduation, other than that it was pretty weaksauce. We continued drinking until we ran out liquor, and then we just hung out until the bus came to take us back home at 6am.
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My Dad And The BeeGees

So a few years ago the Bee Gees did a VH1 Behind The Music special, it was real cute. One night I was at home bored and figured I'd go watch TV with my parents in the other room. They were watching the fucking Bee Gees thing, and I am not a fan of the Bee Gees. In fact I fucking hate the bee gees so when I saw the program I told my dad "why in the hell are you watching this, the bee gees suck." I was also a little bewildered as to why the fuck my dad was watching this, my dad hates disco. It couldn't have been because my mother wanted to watch it because my dad is the type that would tell her it was crap and either walk out or just change the channel. Well my dad tells that they made some good music and I should watch it. I responded with "what the hell are you talking about? Yeah staying alive, that was very profound." My dad then gets this look on his face that means "you're fucking stupid." Its a look that I've gotten my whole life. He says to me "what are you talking about, they didn't make that song." My dad had no idea that the BeeGees where the same dudes who made all that high pitch testicle free music. He refused to believe that they could possibly be the same dudes, I couldn't believe that he didn't know. Shit even my mom knew and she doesn't pay attention to anything. So we argue about it and he's stubborn as fuck and refuses to give in. Then on the show they go into staying alive right there. My dad turns at to the television with this look of horror. As if he just found out his father molested him as a child or something. I began to laugh while my father stares and the TV shaking his head like no it can't be true. I told him "see they suck" and walked out as my father threw the remote at the TV.

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Remember Mike? The guy who squirted his pants. Well I just remembered this awesome story about this girl he use to go out with. Her name was Laurel and she had knock knees and wasn't very bright. Well it wasn't that she was dumb really, it was just that she was a vibe killer. Not picking up on jokes, she wouldn't drink with us just stand there doing nothing as if she had no interest in being there. Now if you don't like your boyfriends friends then that's fine, don't hang out with us. But don't stand around like you wish you were at home reading fucking seventeen or some bullshit.

Ok so whatever, I never really liked Laurel but fuck my boy was trying to get some. Which never fucking happened so then my hatred for Laurel just grew even more because now we were subjected to her presence and it was all for nothing. Mike wasn't getting shit from her. Before I was at least cool with knowing he was happy, but after a while shit just sucked ass. So one day while talking about Laurel and trying to convince mike to peace on her, I had an epiphany. Shit it was a damn vision, I saw Laurel's face with the name Merle above it and from that day forth she was known strictly as Merle.

At first I was the only one calling her that. But eventually everyone would refer to her strictly as Merle, well when she wasn't around. It got to the point that some people didn't even know her real name, they only knew her as Merle. And this wasn't for like a few weeks, this shit went on for about 2 years. Shit there were times when someone would say her real name and none of us knew who they were talking about until they said "you know Merle." followed by "OOHHH her." I found the whole thing quite amusing and amazed that this went on for so long.

The most incredible thing about this shit is that Merle had no fucking idea that people called her this. Shit her best friends knew about it. And then one day we were all hanging out drinking beers and my friend Justin slipped up and called her Merle to her face. She was like "What did you call me." Now we knew this would happen at some point so we were already prepared to just play it off like someone called her some random name on accident. But her fucking friend fucked it all up in that split second before Justin could respond. Maybe it was the beers that slowed him up or the fact that it was fucking hilarious that he called her that to her face. Regardless before he could respond Merle's friend told her "You don't know? They all call you Merle" Right here is when Merle's jaw just hit the floor in disbelief. In an attempt to save his ass Justin immediately tells her "Serg is the one who started it" So Merle turns to me, you can tell she's in shock and I'm just trying not to fall down laughing. I'm like "well shit its a joke, its like our pet name for you." She wasn't having that so someone else tells her we came up with it one day playing with names and saying someone's name the next letter in the alphabet, Justin to Kristin, Laurel to Merle or Mike to Kike...Yeah I know its not the next letter but fools were trying to come up with something just so she would shut up. Then I was just like shit fuck it, and just told her I called her that because sometimes she could be a real dork and the name just seemed to fit her attitude. I didn't talk to Merle for a long time after that. I think she didn't like me too much, but to this day I still find it fucking hilarious. So thanks merle, you made me laugh.

ok now go here to watch the Rainbow Show. For some weird reason that show never made it to TV, you should watch and see if you can figure out why. Its goddamn hilarious.
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man I'm such a fucking ass. I'm surprised people hang out with me, well maybe they dont and I just force myself upon them. Last night I got pretty cute with it. Decided to cook up some blackbean sauce and tortillas. Well when I was at the store I was eyeing some brews, thinking oh I should just get a six cause I'm going out later and don't want to get all handsome on'em. But then I saw this 12 of bass on sale and thought to myself I'll drink it anyways so fuck it. That was the first of a few bad ideas that night. I got home and got to cooking. then stef gets home and has a 6 of shiner with her. Well we got to work a little earlier than expected. Around 10 or so we roll over to Movida, B-cause is djing and folks are gathering to wish Shig farewell as he heads off to socal. Like right after we get there shig gets on the turntables and fucking throws down White Snake's "Here I go Again." now that fucking song sums up my fucking life, well at least that night anyways. Now I'm not one to resist an awesome song so I started to sing along or tried too. I forgot most of the words to the song so I just made a fist and yelled at it. B-Cause is one nice guy, dude hooked up some free brews. Which was good for me, but not so good for those around me. I believe I was in asshole mode last night making comments like "you suck at everything," "hello ball licker", "why are you such a whore?" or "______'s a bitch" Now as you can tell I'm one charming bastard, so I figured there wouldn't be a problem with going behind the bar to self service my beers. Well thats what I did and surprisingly no one got mad, or at least no one saw me.

so this morning I'm feeling the fruits of my work and I feel magnificent.

oh shit, b-cause just posted some fucking pictures of last night on soulstrut, here is me being the prince charming that I am

apparently I was in the middle of singing/yelling Night Rangers - Sister Christian but I guess I only knew the chorus and not the verse. well when I was questioned about it I told them thats for "the rest of the white people"

man why did I start this post saying I'm such an ass, I fucking rule, thanks blog you have helped me out once again.
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